Heart Wrenching Loss

On Monday morning, a family lost their 5 month old baby to SIDS. My cousins (Natalie and Nicole) who live in Indiana are good friends with them-  Natalie has a son that same age- they kept each other's boys. And Nicole is a baby nurse who was working at the hospital when it happened. Natalie and Nicole's Dad, my Uncle John, is a pastor and it doing the funeral. The funeral of a baby- a healthy, adorable, precious, loved baby.

There was nothing they could have done differently. But yet, he's gone. He just didn't wake up.

Now I've got to tell you, I've been really wrestling with this since I found out about it. It makes me want to scream, it makes me cry, it makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide, and it makes me want to hold my own baby all day long.

As a mom, I'm mad that there isn't something that could've been done to prevent it, short of standing over the baby's crib 24/7 with your hand on his chest making sure he was breathing. That invokes a fear in me that is like none other. A death that couldn't be prevented? Inexplicable? How does that work? How do you make sense of that in your head?

Secondly, babies are at the highest risk of SIDS between 2 and 4 months old- which my baby Jack just crossed out of that age range, yet this baby was out of that, and it didn't matter.  It still happened. So the "relief" I was thinking and feeling for myself isn't real.

And why can't anyone figure out what SIDS is? Why is it such a mystery? I so badly wanted to believe that it was tied to secondhand smoke, because that gives me some sense of control, and that "it can't happen to my baby" but that's not the case.

Now if I take myself out of it, and just think about those 2 parents- how do they move forward? How do they keep living? What about all the baby stuff in their house? What about their schedule and their lives that revolved around their precious baby's needs- his sleep and his eating and his pooping? What about their house that is covered in his gear? What now? How do they sleep? How do they function? This grieves my heart to no end. This causes a lump so big in my chest that it can't be swallowed. My eyes fill with tears for a family I don't know, multiple times a day.

And then the biggest thing of all, God- controller, healer, life giver, life sustainer-- um, why was your plan to have this baby hear for such a short time? He was so loved. Now there is the hugest hole in many people's lives. What gives?

There is hope found in Jesus, in the after life. But I am caught in the here and now.

Anger. Saddness. Frustration. Grief. Confusion.

Fear.

Fear.

Fear.

Fear.

Please pray for this family- the parents are Megan and Kevin Bozell. Here is a link to baby Reid's obituary if you'd like more details for your prayers: http://obits.dignitymemorial.com/dignity-memorial/obituary.aspx?n=Reid-Bozell&lc=1597&pid=153733355&mid=4819931&locale=en-US#.TnkygoJ03tE.facebook  Anything you think or feel, I'm sure they're thinking and feeling too, so use it to cover them in prayers. Prayers for comfort, for peace, and for hope. Prayers for sleep, and rest. Prayers for Jesus.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Tim 1:7

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27