The 30 Best Moments in my first 30 years on Earth

I decided that in celebration of my 30th birthday, and in an effort to break my blog silence, I'd compose a list of the 30 best things that have happened to me during my tenure here on earth. Thinking through this has been emotional, to say the least, and I will never have the words to adequately express my gratitude. Everything on this list has shaped and drawn my closer to Jesus in ways that I can't always explain-- just typing them makes me choke up!

(This list is in chronological order....ish!)

1. The Gift of Jesus

2. Following Jesus at a young age. Mainly because I carry very little baggage. Now, I didn't always feel this way... I used to lay in bed fussing at God, telling Him that I wished He could have called me to Himself later in life... I was convinced I'd have more fun if I didn't know Him, but since I did, I couldn't turn my back on Him so I followed the "Christian rules" begrudgingly! (If you knew me during this phase of my life and my walk with Jesus, I am SO sorry- there is so much more to following Jesus than rules and I'd love to tell you about it and apologize to you in person)

3. My Mom- from providing for my every need from birth, all the way to being my favorite friend and confidant to date- there are not enough words in my head to adequately express how she’s shaped me and how blessed I am to be her daughter.

4. My Dad- he woke me up every morning, even when “I didn’t want him to”, he was the doctor when I was sick, he made me hold his hand at church long after I thought it was socially acceptable, and he always picks out the best gifts. He loves my mom and really likes her too. He fights for us kids even when we don’t think he’s right or when we don’t want the help. And he has given me a lifelong example of what it looks like to live a life of daily integrity and trusting God.

5. Being born into my family. When I first typed that sentence, I was meaning my mom and dad and my brothers- but then I thought about my grandparents who love the Lord and are leaving a great legacy... then I thought about all of my aunts and uncles and cousins-- so really, I mean the whole bunch of them!

6. When my Papaw flew in from Indiana to baptize me in front of my Concord Christian Church family when I was 9 years old

7. Having Erin "Shirl" Burks as my ever-loving, always protective, forever faithful best friend for a decade plus

8. When my mom made me go to small group when I was in High School and even to the book study at Steak n' Shake on Saturday mornings... which led to meeting my very pregnant small group leader, Kellee Hall, which drew me to her immediately. Her heart, wisdom, encouragement and love have helped to shape me in so many ways that I'm sure I've forgotten over half of them

9. Deciding to go to the University of Georgia for college

10. Rooming with Anna McCulloch Prusa's next door neighbor my freshmen year... it allowed me to meet Anna, which led to incredible roommates and a bushel of other life long friends, AND becoming a part of Campus Outreach

11. The Christmas we went skiing in West Virigina as a family instead of having a big Christmas celebration... it was the first time I saw my brothers as my friends-- and they were fun.... and funny.... and I liked them!

12. The moment I realized that Jesus was 100% Truth AND 100% grace, 100% of the time.

13. Interning with Ruth Van Yperen McCord the summer of 2004... I literally fell in love with her heart at first sight.

14. Taking a job at North Metro Church after college- the relationships, the lessons, and the battle scars have shaped me in more ways than I can count. I also gained several LOYAL, “if you’re going down, they’re going down with you” friends who continue to be a part of my daily life.

15. Calling off a wedding. Man, it was absolute hell at the time- I hurt like I didn't know was possible, but BOY oh BOY did I get what I looks like to "need Jesus". I wouldn't wish heartbreak like that on anyone, but I'd do it again in a second to know Jesus like I do now.

16. Marrying Chad. His friendship. His love. His heart. Even fighting with him- it makes me CRAZY but it also makes me better.

17. Becoming a stepmom. There is NOTHING God has used/ is using to refine me more, and teach me to lean into Him more than this role.

18. Getting my in-laws as my family as well-- they are kind and accepting, 100% of the time. They consider me a daughter/ sister, and have treated me like family from the very second they met me. And if we called and said "we need y'all" they'd jump in their car and drive straight to us without another question.

19. Joining a small group with the Morgans, the Rouses, and the Weavers right when Chad and I got married- we learned how to be married well with them.

20. Gathering a group of wonderful ladies and becoming the queso loving “Porton Posse” to get together and meet for Mexican and encourage each other in life, marriage, spirituality, relationships, praying about babies and then actually birthing babies and learning how to be mamas

21. August 19, 2009 at 8:41am-- Max was born, I became a mom, and every fiber in me changed forever.

22. Watching my parents love my babies

23. Standing beside Chad as he baptized Gabe, and hearing that blue-eyed boy proudly profess Jesus as his LORD and Savior

24. Raising kids with a like-minded friend like Danielle Morgan—God wasn't kidding when He said “As iron sharpens iron,
 so one person sharpens another. Prov 27:17”

25. Becoming a part of Sanctuary church

26. When Jack Henry Bowman entered my world over 5 weeks before I expected him... that was just the beginning of how he was going to shake up my sense of control, but it's worth every gray hair and fist clench. He's passionate about everything he does-- and he's especially passionate about his mama. And I am passionate about him.

27. The year my brother Eli lived with us. I know it was torture for him, but it was so sweet for me.

28. The moment I got to quit my job to become a stay-at-home Mom

29. Starting BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and committing to a yearly in depth walk through scripture.

30. Birthing our sweet baby Sam at home- the accomplishment I felt to have the strength and stamina to do that is awesome, but the baby surpasses all words. He is straight sugar and sunshine. Being a mama is the best job, ever!

Heavy Post, Hurting Mama

I know the world is full of sin- really, I do.  And I know that there are addictions and "fetishes" that I just can't comprehend. Luckily, blessedly, I also know that there is a God who saves, who redeems and who heals.  I'm trying to find rest and peace there right now, instead of where my flesh wants to go.

Let me briefly explain- this blog is obviously about my children- growing them, raising them, and learning from them.  It is my heart also- as you can tell, being a mom is such an incredible gift.  So when I write here, and post things here, I (naively) assumed that those reading and visiting would be like-minded-- either mom's, people who love me and/or my children, old and new friends, and other bloggers out there who love funny kid stories and adorable pictures.... if I do say so myself.

Anyway, I do watch my online data pretty closely- my blog hosting site tells me how many people looked at a certain thing in a day and what searches were used to find those things.  The norm are readers who come to the blog one of three ways-- 1) By my site, meaning they have it in their blog roll 2) Thru facebook, as any new post gets noted on my FB status and 3) Thru twitter, as any new post also gets tweeted-- these are the followers I want, thank you!

BUT recently, some people have used some impure/ indecent searches and found pictures on my blog.  And then they keep going back again and again and again and again to view those pictures, in a day.  The first day I noticed this, I decided it was me, over-reacting, the second day I started to freak, and now, plainly, I feel like my son is being violated.  Precious baby pictures during bath time and his other funny bathroom stunts can no longer be public domain. I have removed those pictures, so if you see this note:  *NOTE: Certain pictures were removed after some disturbing online data-- that is why.

If you're a blogger, I want to urge you to consider every picture that you post- can it be distorted?  Can it be abused? Honestly, I despise feeling this vulnerable- but even worse, I despise feeling this stupid-- why didn't I consider this before?  I've seen the news, I've heard statistics.  But I'm thankful that God revealed this truth to me in a matter of days- not months or years- and in such a way that will open my eyes and evoke protection over my children's purity in a way that I wouldn't have thought of/ been able to before.

Readers, going forward, no naked pictures regardless of how adorable they are, but I promise all the funny stories will remain :) And to those of you who were abusing the pictures I posted, I pray that you know that there is a God who loves you and has already OVERCOME sin- He can give you the strength to do the same.

Desperation

Sometimes, it's the little things that reminds me of the HUGE-ness of being a mom.  The other night, during Max's bath, him and Gabe managed to soak the ENTIRE bathroom.  Honestly, this is normal, and they always have so much fun playing in there, that we really don't discourage it.  Gabe isn't in the bath with Max, but he might as well be!  By the time the water is draining, Gabe's clothes are soaked and his glasses are dripping.

That night while Chad was getting Max out of the tub, I was helping Gabe mop up the floor with his bath towel.  Then I had him put both his and Max's towel in the laundry.  We then shuffled both of them into pj's, got their teeth brushed and sent them off to bed.  Before I headed downstairs, I stopped by the bathroom for a potty break (thanks pregnancy for making this my #1 pass time). I looked over and noticed both of the empty hooks so I got out fresh towels for the boys.  And it hit me.  If I didn't get a towel out for Max, he would  never get one.  If I didn't bathe him, he would never be clean.  If I didn't change his diaper, he would never get a new, fresh diaper.  Max's depth of dependence on me overtook me in that moment.  Although this wasn't the first time I had realized this truth, I was paralyzed by the bigness of this yet again.

Gabe is a slightly different story.  I honestly think that if he were left to fend for himself, he would take showers and brush his teeth.  Chad and I were just noticing the other night how Gabe has NEVER slept through his 6:30am alarm- he doesn't even lay there for a few minutes... it goes off, he hits it, and jumps out of bed, making his way straight to the shower.  This eight year old could take care of himself.  But he is dependent on us for meals, a roof over his head, and safety... for some reason, he can't remember to look both ways before he crosses a street without a reminder!  He is also dependent on us emotionally.  He needs to talk and he needs someone to listen and respond- Gabe doesn't do alone time for more than an hour- and that's only when I "make" him go read for an hour.

God blessed us with these boys- and really there are times when I just think my skin is going to pop open because of all the love in my chest.  But He also made them dependent on me- needing me- learning from me- growing because of me. How humbling.  How huge.  The magnitude of the parenting role is so much that these words I'm fumbling and bumbling around for- I have the power to make or break these kids.  What a responsibility.  Thank goodness there is a big God leading the way.  I pray I'm attentive to His leading- I pray for Christ in me.

The other day, while praying in a small group, my friend Courtney prayed "God, despite all these blessings, we are desperate for you".  That statement has wrecked me- in a good way- this week.  Despite all these blessings, despite me being wired to be a mom, despite the joy I find in mothering, despite the gratitude and gratefulness Chad and I have for these boys-- we need God.  We are nothing, and can do nothing, a part from him.

And Baby Makes Four

A friend from church passed on this article to me, and it's a must-read for mommies!  I'm attaching it here- but I can't find a link for it- they're all protected.  But it's from Mothering.com and the author is Natalia Swenson Parker-- check it out below!  Anyway, it's all about adding baby #2 to your brode, and luckily I read it after Jack was already growing or else I may have decided that Max was enough.  I read the article one morning, over my coffee, and then promptly walked into the kitchen, BAWLING like a baby, and tried to tell Chad why we couldn't have Jack.  Being the wise one that he is, he gently explained that it was too late and could I please stop blubbering long enough to explain what was going on.

To summarize, the article is GREAT!  But it is realistic too, and the fact of the matter is that when you go from one baby to two, then hello, baby number one doesn't really get the attention they got before.  It talks about greiving that "loss" but also you're so excited that you have a new baby that you  just love and adore, and so then enters guilt.  (This is on top of the lovely hormones and irrational behaviors that accompany a new baby).  Oh my goodness, I just wasn't ready for all of this.  And what about Max?

Needless to say, women have been having more then one child forEVER and as a child with two brothers, it was NOT a big deal- it was actually great- and not just was, it is.  And my mom had enough love, and time, that we all made it out alive.  Add that in to the fact that Gabe was 6 when we had Max- so for 6 years was THE center of the universe in MANY different houses, and although he has less attention since Max, they have so much darn stinkin love for each other, that he was over it in about .05 seconds.  (Gabe is smart enough to TRY and play the "I feel left out" card, but we remind him of the 3894574389 people that love him and stop their lives for him every time he has a boo boo, or a performance at school, or a soccer game, and he quickly hides that card back in his pocket, waiting for the next time that it might work....) So I'm sure the same is true of the budding Bowman clan, we'll be fine, we'll survive, there will be love and cuddles and bonding, despite the chaos, but could you really expect me to be reasonable and rational at a time like this?

So all you seasoned moms, who have grown multiple children in your womb, what do I need to know?  What are some tricks of the trade?  Will I ever sleep again?  How do I nurse with a 22 month old running around?  How do I make sure Max still gets attention?  And that he loves his brother?  And that he knows that I love him something crazy?  And will Jack feel left out?  Or will it just be how it is for him?  Anything you got, I want to hear it!

Thanks for suffering through that emotional breakdown with me... and I'm sure this is just one of those Parenting Builds Character things!

A Heavy Heart

Do you ever just get overwhelmed with sadness?  I'm just heavy right now.  And none of the stories are mine- and none of them are touching me directly- but somehow, they all seem to affect my soul.

Leslie Evans:  A young lady my age, married a man with 3 children, 2 years after his wife/ their mother had died from Breast cancer.  Shortly after getting married, they discovered they were pregnant, WITH twins.  They were elated.  But then she went into labor early, and the twins were born at about 21 weeks, and did not live.  Shortly after giving birth, Leslie went into cardiac arrest.  She was down for 17 minutes before they could revive.  Leslie passed away October 7, 2010.

I have been following her blog, reading her story, watching videos of her life, and I cannot put into words the hurt in my chest.  I've been praying for this family I don't know, and asking God to bring them peace.  I don't understand why He allowed this man to lose 2 wives, and these children to lose 2 mom's.  I don't understand why her body couldn't carry the babies full term, and why the water had to break early.  I don't understand why these parents lost their daughter, and a brother lost his sister.  And that's not even touching on the friends that lost, too.  Honestly, I just can't make any sense of it.  And I don't know her.

(A blog about her:  http://lesliejoyevans.blogspot.com/)  (Very worth starting at the beginning)

Lila:  My co-worker, Cherie, has a 3 year old niece who went to the doctor on Monday for a cough, and was sent straight to Children's Healthcare for Leukemia.  This little girl will start chemo tomorrow that will last for the next 2 years.  And Lila's mom, who lost her own mother to cancer, has to watch her baby, lay in a bed, while chemicals fill her body in order to fight this nasty disease.  Meanwhile, Lila's father also has a type of inoperable brain cancer, that will eventually take his life, although he doesn't have any effects/ problems with it now.

I've got to say, I just don't understand this either.  As a mom, my insides scream upon hearing this story.  When Cherie told me about this yesterday, I cried, and as I type about it today, I still cry.  When it comes to Leukemia, she has the "good kind" but parents take their kids to the doctor for strep- not leukemia.  And I can not imagine how powerless and helpless it must feel, to be a parent, watching something like this.  Again, I don't understand.

Kate McRae:  I have been following this little girl's story for over a year.  Right before she was supposed to start kindergarden, Kate was diagnosed with brain cancer. They were able to remove a portion of the tumor, but due to location, couldn't get all of it.  This little girl has been going through new treatments to try to beat this malignant cancer.  Her parent's faith and prayers are edifying and real.  You can hear hurt in her mother's typing, yet total reliance on God.  Again, parents with no control, nothing they can do to change the situation, and at this point, they just wait to see if the treatment worked.  They go back periodically for MRI's and other tests hoping to hear that the tumor hasn't grown, but expecting/ dreading the worst.  All they can do is wait.

Her prayer blog:  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate

** These are by no means all the stories about stuff like this, I totally understand that-- these are just the ones on my heart and mind right now.

Stuff like this makes me just want to put my people in a bubble to protect them.  It makes me want to use my time to write them love notes, and kiss them all over.  I mean what if?

But chances are, this won't happen to us.  And I'm pretty sure that trying to explain to God that I was too crippled by what might've happened to actually discipline my kids or train them, or too worried about what could've happened to love my neighbors and serve my husband, and too consumed with fear to spread the Good News, wouldn't be a good conversation to have with the Creator of the Universe, and a God that willingly gave his perfect son's life for my sin, so that I could spend eternity with Him.

I am not one to question God, and this is not to say that understand everything.  I do NOT.  But that is because He is God and I am not- and I don't have to understand everything- I just have to trust him.  But if I'm honest, that's not always easy.  I know He's BIG and I know He's LOVE and I know He's FORGIVING.  So tonight, I just pray that have the courage to be the wife, mom, friend, co-worker, daughter, sister, etc that God has called me to be, and that I'll surrender control to the only ONE who deserves, God. Tonight I am casting other people's burdens on Him- to God be the glory, forever, amen!

A Pick Me Up

I've listened to this song a MILLION times today and I just thought I'd share:

Living For A Cause

My heart hurts for this couple, yet it rejoices because of how BIG God is in their lives-- they've had a lot to deal with- death of a parent, cancer survivor, miscarriage, and then death of their 3 months old baby.  So what did they decide to do with all of this? Move to Haiti to help people, and make God known.  Why? Because they understand the hurt the people in Haiti, who suddenly lost loved ones, are experiencing.

The couple is Adam and Kara Cole.  I have never met them.  But I just want to get involved in what God is doing in their lives.

You must check out this story!

The story on Kara's blog:  http://letterstonoble.wordpress.com/2010/04/29/where-ive-been/

Here is a video of them explaining why they are going to Haiti: http://vimeo.com/12119933p>

And also their website and blog:  www.livingforacause.com and they are moving July 1st!

Aren't you humbled to hear such an incredible story of trust in God despite the circumstances?  So, will you pray?  Will you support them?

Goodnight Love Girl

This weekend, Max and I went to see my parents and my grandparents in North Carolina.  It was a quick day trip, so we left Chad and Gabe behind.  Before I left, I hid love sticky notes all over the house in Chad places, like on the milk carton, on his computer screen, in his work clothes, etc.  He was at work when we left, so he came home to the little reminders.

Chad then decided to write notes back to me, and hide them in Lauren places.  When I got home, I started finding notes immediately.  The first couple were "normal" love notes-- like "I love you"... then I started to find some funny ones.  I opened a drawer and found one that said "sweet love".  Then I opened the cleaning closet and found one that said "Even when you makes us clean, we still love you".  I chuckled, thinking Chad just wanted some variety in his love notes.

Then on Saturday night, when I climbed into bed, I found a love note on my pillow.  This one made me laugh out loud.  So I had to quiz Chad on what exactly these notes meant and where they were coming from....

Apparently Gabe thought this whole hidden love note thing was great.  He helped Chad find the notes I had left him and gathered them up, then he insisted on writing some for me.  Come to find out, Gabe is a little cupid and should go work for Hallmark or the Valentine's Day heart company.  Chad did the actual writing on the love notes, but Gabe came up with the wording.

My last note of the day said "Goodnight love girl".  The next morning, Gabe came in and hung it on the mirror above my toothbrush.  And every time I've seen it since, I've smiled. Yes, because it's sweet, and yes, because he got to see me and Chad loving on each other even though were already married, and yes, because I'm a words person and I think it's hilarious and cute and funny, but mostly because it reminds me that he IS watching.  And Max will start watching really soon.  And everything we say and do is being etched in his brain and teaches him the way life is "supposed to be".  So, if we mess up, he's going to see that, and we're going to have to make sure that we tell him that we messed up, and let him see us "make it right". Ah, pressure!

Parenting is hard.  And for each kid we have, there are two more eyes watching us try to do it well... but it keeps us on our toes, and it gives me awesome names like "Love Girl". (Chad has continued to call me "Love Girl" several times a day.) My prayer is that Gabe can't help but ending up at the feet of Jesus after it's all said and done.  And hopefully God is able to use both me and Chad to get our boys there.  Gabe has already asked Jesus into his heart, and he will be baptized in May, but it's the daily walk and the day to day decisions that he needs Jesus the most for.  I pray that I continue to learn how to be more like Christ, so that as Gabe and Max continue to mimic me, they are being like Him as well.

Gabe is an incredible kid, and he's great entertainment too.  Let me know if you need any love notes or pet names for your significant other, I'll send Gabe your way.

(This is Gabe helping with yard work... and because he has been watching his Dad do stuff like this, he asked if he could borrow my ipod while he worked "to make working more fun".)

I’m A Cheater

I have many great things going for me—all of them are God things, not Lauren things.  Check it out:

1.     Chad- I have an incredible husband that is laid back, easy to get along with, very funny, quite nice to look at, and an incredible partner in crime.

2.     I have my Max- a wonderful little bald bundle of blue eyes and giggles.  He’s so much fun and he’s also so much work!

3.     Gabe, my stepson, who brings his own perks and challenges.  He’s filled with life, and ideas, and excitement.

4.     I have a great job and an awesome boss that offers a place for me to do the things I’m good at, in an environment that I love, while allowing me the flexibility needed to be a wife and a mom.

5.     We have an incredible small group that meets weekly to press God issues and marriage issues into our hearts and lives, so that we are constantly learning daily to reflect and glorify Him.

6.     I have a boatload of wonderful, amazing friends, and a great (BIG) family that is very entertaining, encouraging, and loving.

7.     I have a great little house that offers us comfort and warmth and shelter, and requires daily upkeep.

8.     We go to a very well rounded church that allows many many different avenues to get plugged in and volunteer, and I get to hang out with 3^rd graders weekly.

9.     I have several different free lance writing opportunities that allow me to use my gifts and my creativity to teach children the word of God and ideally, make people laugh.

10. And I have a sweet, sweet Jesus who craves my time and who is so worthy of my praise, adoration, thoughts, and attention.

And without rubbing my blessed-ness in your face, I’ve got to tell you that this is just a very brief list of what I have going for me right now. 

I grew up going to North Point church and heard a sermon series when I was younger by Andy Stanley called “Choosing to Cheat”.  I have since read the book, and loved both of them.  The idea is that someone/ something is always being cheated.  For instance, if work is getting the majority of your time, your family isn’t, and vice versa.  And this is where the guilt and my guilt comes into play.

My list is incredible- just writing it all out makes me heart swell.  But it also makes me sweat and my blood pressure rise a bit too.  I constantly feel guilty.  Whichever aspect of my life I’m concentrating on at any given moment is full of joy and stress simultaneously. This is because I’m cheating. When I’m at work, I feel guilty that I’m not with Max.  When I’m with Max, I feel guilty that I’m not working.  When I’m spending a few quiet minutes alone in my car, I’m also feeling guilty for not using that time to catch up with friends and family.  When I go to bed early to rest of for the next day’s adventures, I feel bad that I’m not hanging out in the living room with Chad.  When my list of things to do is getting checked off early in the morning, I feel guilt for not spending that time with my Jesus. I could keep going on and on with such scenarios, but I’ll spare you.

So what gives?

I don’t know the answer.  If you do, please feel free to comment.

But I have found a couple aspects of Truth that I can hang my hat on.

God gives me strength according to Psalms 41:10.

God  promises that His spirit is upon me, all the time, in Isaiah 61:1-4.

God promises to answer my prayers in John 16:24.

God assures me deliverance in 1 Corinthians 10:13.

God promises me forgiveness in 1 John 1:9.

God offers me guidance in Proverbs 3:5-6

And thankfully, God promises me rest in Matthew 11:28-30.

I think the guilt comes with being a perfectionist, with being a mom, with being a control freak, and with living in my flesh.  But I am a new creation, and have been washed in the blood of Jesus and saved by grace.  So it is my prayer, and my goal, to put off the guilt and live in peace, founded on The Savior of the Universe.