A Heavy Heart

Do you ever just get overwhelmed with sadness?  I'm just heavy right now.  And none of the stories are mine- and none of them are touching me directly- but somehow, they all seem to affect my soul.

Leslie Evans:  A young lady my age, married a man with 3 children, 2 years after his wife/ their mother had died from Breast cancer.  Shortly after getting married, they discovered they were pregnant, WITH twins.  They were elated.  But then she went into labor early, and the twins were born at about 21 weeks, and did not live.  Shortly after giving birth, Leslie went into cardiac arrest.  She was down for 17 minutes before they could revive.  Leslie passed away October 7, 2010.

I have been following her blog, reading her story, watching videos of her life, and I cannot put into words the hurt in my chest.  I've been praying for this family I don't know, and asking God to bring them peace.  I don't understand why He allowed this man to lose 2 wives, and these children to lose 2 mom's.  I don't understand why her body couldn't carry the babies full term, and why the water had to break early.  I don't understand why these parents lost their daughter, and a brother lost his sister.  And that's not even touching on the friends that lost, too.  Honestly, I just can't make any sense of it.  And I don't know her.

(A blog about her:  http://lesliejoyevans.blogspot.com/)  (Very worth starting at the beginning)

Lila:  My co-worker, Cherie, has a 3 year old niece who went to the doctor on Monday for a cough, and was sent straight to Children's Healthcare for Leukemia.  This little girl will start chemo tomorrow that will last for the next 2 years.  And Lila's mom, who lost her own mother to cancer, has to watch her baby, lay in a bed, while chemicals fill her body in order to fight this nasty disease.  Meanwhile, Lila's father also has a type of inoperable brain cancer, that will eventually take his life, although he doesn't have any effects/ problems with it now.

I've got to say, I just don't understand this either.  As a mom, my insides scream upon hearing this story.  When Cherie told me about this yesterday, I cried, and as I type about it today, I still cry.  When it comes to Leukemia, she has the "good kind" but parents take their kids to the doctor for strep- not leukemia.  And I can not imagine how powerless and helpless it must feel, to be a parent, watching something like this.  Again, I don't understand.

Kate McRae:  I have been following this little girl's story for over a year.  Right before she was supposed to start kindergarden, Kate was diagnosed with brain cancer. They were able to remove a portion of the tumor, but due to location, couldn't get all of it.  This little girl has been going through new treatments to try to beat this malignant cancer.  Her parent's faith and prayers are edifying and real.  You can hear hurt in her mother's typing, yet total reliance on God.  Again, parents with no control, nothing they can do to change the situation, and at this point, they just wait to see if the treatment worked.  They go back periodically for MRI's and other tests hoping to hear that the tumor hasn't grown, but expecting/ dreading the worst.  All they can do is wait.

Her prayer blog:  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate

** These are by no means all the stories about stuff like this, I totally understand that-- these are just the ones on my heart and mind right now.

Stuff like this makes me just want to put my people in a bubble to protect them.  It makes me want to use my time to write them love notes, and kiss them all over.  I mean what if?

But chances are, this won't happen to us.  And I'm pretty sure that trying to explain to God that I was too crippled by what might've happened to actually discipline my kids or train them, or too worried about what could've happened to love my neighbors and serve my husband, and too consumed with fear to spread the Good News, wouldn't be a good conversation to have with the Creator of the Universe, and a God that willingly gave his perfect son's life for my sin, so that I could spend eternity with Him.

I am not one to question God, and this is not to say that understand everything.  I do NOT.  But that is because He is God and I am not- and I don't have to understand everything- I just have to trust him.  But if I'm honest, that's not always easy.  I know He's BIG and I know He's LOVE and I know He's FORGIVING.  So tonight, I just pray that have the courage to be the wife, mom, friend, co-worker, daughter, sister, etc that God has called me to be, and that I'll surrender control to the only ONE who deserves, God. Tonight I am casting other people's burdens on Him- to God be the glory, forever, amen!