Oh My Baby J

Today my baby man is 4 months old-- 4 months, already! And he's really coming into his own-- he laughs a lot, talks anytime someone will listen, loves to play with his own hands, will reach for stuff above his head when he's laying on his back, and will blow a gasket anytime you put him on his tummy.  He prefers to be carried facing outward, so he can take in the world. And when he gets mad, it's from 0-60 in .002 seconds, but he usually calms down in as much as well.

Recently, we've discovered that he likes the same exact schedule everyday-- I was just starting the day when he woke up each day, but after some encouragement from Laura, co-founder of MomsOnCall, we changed to the same schedule day to day and it's been great. He sleeps through the night, IN his own crib, IN his own room, that he shares with Max-- ahhhhh. (And then Max shared his cold with us all and made for some long nights, but what are brothers for, right?)

Jack's schedule:
7:00am- Eat
8:00am- Nap
10:30am- Eat
11:45am- Nap
2:00pm- Eat
3:00pm- Nap
5:00pm- Eat
5:30pm- Catnap
7:00pm- Wake up! Playtime!
8:00pm- bath, eat, cuddle, GOOD NIGHT!

Jack still wears size 2 diapers, and we haven't started any food at all. And the main reason for that is just that I'm busy and I'm not ready to bite that off yet, although I do get a little excited thinking about that right around the corner-- that is a super fun stage! Anyway, back to J- he also wears some 3 months stuff, some 3-6  month stuff, and just for fun, I put him in 6 mth clothes but they are really baggy. His spitting up after eating is so much better- 80% of the time, he doesn't even spit at all! And he's still a pro at switching back and forth between nursing and the bottle when I'm at work.

My favorite things about Jack are his 3 legs rolls (that's total: 1 on one leg, 2 on the other), his soft beautiful skin, his facial expressions when he's talking, that he's a cuddle bug, the last feeding of the day when the lights are dim and the house is quiet, and it's just me and him, and my most favorite thing: his breath. I stick my nose in his mouth, literally, ALL the time. Oh, he's just one big ball of heaven.

Jack, I really love being a mom, but being your mom is out of this world amazing.  You're easy and you love me back with all your cuddles and snuggles and I love thinking about you, talking about you, hearing about you from your manny, and really, anything that involves you! When I look at you, my breath catches because you are that precious and that beautiful. And you're even getting a couple hairs on that punkin head of yours! I'm really proud when we go somewhere together- I love that you're mine, and I love when people peer around your seat just to get a glimpse of your cuteness. And you just keep getting better every day! Thanks for being my boy and bringing me so much joy. In the evenings when I start to pray over you and for you, I don't get much passed just thanking God for you and the blessing that you are to my life. I am in awe of what kind of boys God has made and that he has entrusted me with them. You're a blessing little baby, and I love you like crazy!  I pray you let God steal your heart like you've stolen mine- He sent His son for you, because of how much He loves you! Know that.

A Life Well Lived

Today, Chad and I had the opportunity to attend a funeral.  I say 'opportunity' because it was the celebration of a life lived for Christ.  And despite the tragic accident that took this man's life, God is receiving Glory.  Bryan Morgan was killed in a bike accident on the 4th of July.  If you live in the Atlanta area, then you probably heard about it on the news.  Bryan was the father of our dear friend Matt Morgan, and although I've only met him very briefly surrounding events for Reed, his grandson, after today, I feel like I know him well, and I have learned many things from his life.

Matt and Danielle are in our small group- and they're part of our family.  This isn't the first tragedy we've walked through with the Morgans, and it's not the first death of a parent we've experienced within our small group either- but I've got to say, it doesn't get any easier, despite our "experience".  I spent the first half of the week in shock, just aching for my friends.  I would talk to Danielle each morning, and without fail, weep for their loss, weep over their pain, and pray.  I've prayed more this week than I have in a long time-- and I know my Savior a little better because of that.  By the latter half of the week, I spent my time trying to figure out how we could help, how I could serve them, serve Danielle, and love them through the pain.  Chad and I have talked a lot about this week- just processing it all, hurting for Matt, trying to imagine what he's going through- but today, my eyes were opened to a whole new side of it all.

Bryan's memorial service was 3 hours- and I mean 3 very short hours.  3 of his closest friends shared about Bryan's life, 4 of his 5 kids spoke about his love for them, and a Pastor reminded everyone of the Truth found in God's word.  Time flew, as story after story was told about how this man loved God and loved others.  Songs of praise were sung to our God who has a plan-- the same God who is in control-- the same one who offers comfort-- and most importantly, the same God who sacrificed his only Son on our behalf so that we may spend eternity in heaven with Him.  And of course, many more tears were shed-- so much so that I had a crying headache by the time it was over. I cried watching Matt grieve, I cried watching Danielle hug on her hurting husband, I cried hearing about the way Bryan conducted his life, sad that he wasn't here anymore, I cried for his young grandchildren who will only remember stories about him- but mostly, I wept for the lessons learned from this man that I didn't even really know.  His life was still changing lives- even though he isn't on this earth anymore!

Since that service this morning, Chad and I have talked about who we would want to speak at our own funerals, we have talked about what matters, we have talked about what it means to be intentional, what it looks like to focus on people, and how Jesus HAS GOT to be at the center of everything that we are.  I've got to tell you too, that after this week, the things that "mattered" last Sunday, aren't the same things the "matter" now.  Life is short- regardless of how great of a person you are, regardless of how needed you are by your family, regardless of how healthy and happy you are- and so all that matters is love- loving God and loving others.  (Matthew 22:36-38)

I thank God for Bryan's life, for the way he loved his wife and taught Matt to love his wife-- I get to see my friend loved well, but also, as Chad and Matt do life together, Chad is growing as a result of Bryan too, also for the way he loved his kids- Chad and I can't stop talking about all the things we can take away from hearing them speak today, things we can start right now and things for later, but mostly, I thank God for saving Bryan, for making him a child of God, who ran the race and fought the fight, and used his life to grow the Kingdom.

Although I am sad that Bryan is no longer here, although I hurt over the gaping hole in my friends life, although this is just the beginning of life without Bryan for so many loved ones, I am honored that I got to be a part of his celebration service today.

Psalm 86:11-13

¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
¹² I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
¹³ For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.

Heavy Post, Hurting Mama

I know the world is full of sin- really, I do.  And I know that there are addictions and "fetishes" that I just can't comprehend. Luckily, blessedly, I also know that there is a God who saves, who redeems and who heals.  I'm trying to find rest and peace there right now, instead of where my flesh wants to go.

Let me briefly explain- this blog is obviously about my children- growing them, raising them, and learning from them.  It is my heart also- as you can tell, being a mom is such an incredible gift.  So when I write here, and post things here, I (naively) assumed that those reading and visiting would be like-minded-- either mom's, people who love me and/or my children, old and new friends, and other bloggers out there who love funny kid stories and adorable pictures.... if I do say so myself.

Anyway, I do watch my online data pretty closely- my blog hosting site tells me how many people looked at a certain thing in a day and what searches were used to find those things.  The norm are readers who come to the blog one of three ways-- 1) By my site, meaning they have it in their blog roll 2) Thru facebook, as any new post gets noted on my FB status and 3) Thru twitter, as any new post also gets tweeted-- these are the followers I want, thank you!

BUT recently, some people have used some impure/ indecent searches and found pictures on my blog.  And then they keep going back again and again and again and again to view those pictures, in a day.  The first day I noticed this, I decided it was me, over-reacting, the second day I started to freak, and now, plainly, I feel like my son is being violated.  Precious baby pictures during bath time and his other funny bathroom stunts can no longer be public domain. I have removed those pictures, so if you see this note:  *NOTE: Certain pictures were removed after some disturbing online data-- that is why.

If you're a blogger, I want to urge you to consider every picture that you post- can it be distorted?  Can it be abused? Honestly, I despise feeling this vulnerable- but even worse, I despise feeling this stupid-- why didn't I consider this before?  I've seen the news, I've heard statistics.  But I'm thankful that God revealed this truth to me in a matter of days- not months or years- and in such a way that will open my eyes and evoke protection over my children's purity in a way that I wouldn't have thought of/ been able to before.

Readers, going forward, no naked pictures regardless of how adorable they are, but I promise all the funny stories will remain :) And to those of you who were abusing the pictures I posted, I pray that you know that there is a God who loves you and has already OVERCOME sin- He can give you the strength to do the same.

Desperation

Sometimes, it's the little things that reminds me of the HUGE-ness of being a mom.  The other night, during Max's bath, him and Gabe managed to soak the ENTIRE bathroom.  Honestly, this is normal, and they always have so much fun playing in there, that we really don't discourage it.  Gabe isn't in the bath with Max, but he might as well be!  By the time the water is draining, Gabe's clothes are soaked and his glasses are dripping.

That night while Chad was getting Max out of the tub, I was helping Gabe mop up the floor with his bath towel.  Then I had him put both his and Max's towel in the laundry.  We then shuffled both of them into pj's, got their teeth brushed and sent them off to bed.  Before I headed downstairs, I stopped by the bathroom for a potty break (thanks pregnancy for making this my #1 pass time). I looked over and noticed both of the empty hooks so I got out fresh towels for the boys.  And it hit me.  If I didn't get a towel out for Max, he would  never get one.  If I didn't bathe him, he would never be clean.  If I didn't change his diaper, he would never get a new, fresh diaper.  Max's depth of dependence on me overtook me in that moment.  Although this wasn't the first time I had realized this truth, I was paralyzed by the bigness of this yet again.

Gabe is a slightly different story.  I honestly think that if he were left to fend for himself, he would take showers and brush his teeth.  Chad and I were just noticing the other night how Gabe has NEVER slept through his 6:30am alarm- he doesn't even lay there for a few minutes... it goes off, he hits it, and jumps out of bed, making his way straight to the shower.  This eight year old could take care of himself.  But he is dependent on us for meals, a roof over his head, and safety... for some reason, he can't remember to look both ways before he crosses a street without a reminder!  He is also dependent on us emotionally.  He needs to talk and he needs someone to listen and respond- Gabe doesn't do alone time for more than an hour- and that's only when I "make" him go read for an hour.

God blessed us with these boys- and really there are times when I just think my skin is going to pop open because of all the love in my chest.  But He also made them dependent on me- needing me- learning from me- growing because of me. How humbling.  How huge.  The magnitude of the parenting role is so much that these words I'm fumbling and bumbling around for- I have the power to make or break these kids.  What a responsibility.  Thank goodness there is a big God leading the way.  I pray I'm attentive to His leading- I pray for Christ in me.

The other day, while praying in a small group, my friend Courtney prayed "God, despite all these blessings, we are desperate for you".  That statement has wrecked me- in a good way- this week.  Despite all these blessings, despite me being wired to be a mom, despite the joy I find in mothering, despite the gratitude and gratefulness Chad and I have for these boys-- we need God.  We are nothing, and can do nothing, a part from him.

And Baby Makes Four

A friend from church passed on this article to me, and it's a must-read for mommies!  I'm attaching it here- but I can't find a link for it- they're all protected.  But it's from Mothering.com and the author is Natalia Swenson Parker-- check it out below!  Anyway, it's all about adding baby #2 to your brode, and luckily I read it after Jack was already growing or else I may have decided that Max was enough.  I read the article one morning, over my coffee, and then promptly walked into the kitchen, BAWLING like a baby, and tried to tell Chad why we couldn't have Jack.  Being the wise one that he is, he gently explained that it was too late and could I please stop blubbering long enough to explain what was going on.

To summarize, the article is GREAT!  But it is realistic too, and the fact of the matter is that when you go from one baby to two, then hello, baby number one doesn't really get the attention they got before.  It talks about greiving that "loss" but also you're so excited that you have a new baby that you  just love and adore, and so then enters guilt.  (This is on top of the lovely hormones and irrational behaviors that accompany a new baby).  Oh my goodness, I just wasn't ready for all of this.  And what about Max?

Needless to say, women have been having more then one child forEVER and as a child with two brothers, it was NOT a big deal- it was actually great- and not just was, it is.  And my mom had enough love, and time, that we all made it out alive.  Add that in to the fact that Gabe was 6 when we had Max- so for 6 years was THE center of the universe in MANY different houses, and although he has less attention since Max, they have so much darn stinkin love for each other, that he was over it in about .05 seconds.  (Gabe is smart enough to TRY and play the "I feel left out" card, but we remind him of the 3894574389 people that love him and stop their lives for him every time he has a boo boo, or a performance at school, or a soccer game, and he quickly hides that card back in his pocket, waiting for the next time that it might work....) So I'm sure the same is true of the budding Bowman clan, we'll be fine, we'll survive, there will be love and cuddles and bonding, despite the chaos, but could you really expect me to be reasonable and rational at a time like this?

So all you seasoned moms, who have grown multiple children in your womb, what do I need to know?  What are some tricks of the trade?  Will I ever sleep again?  How do I nurse with a 22 month old running around?  How do I make sure Max still gets attention?  And that he loves his brother?  And that he knows that I love him something crazy?  And will Jack feel left out?  Or will it just be how it is for him?  Anything you got, I want to hear it!

Thanks for suffering through that emotional breakdown with me... and I'm sure this is just one of those Parenting Builds Character things!

Merry Christmas 2010

Well at least I'm blogging about this while it's still 2010!  Christmas this year was great.  First of all, it included snow, like on the ground, visible, several inches, in GEORGIA!  The first white Christmas in a hundred and something years, seriously. But I didn't take any pictures-- I'm good like that.

Secondly, I started off the festivities a little behind the eight ball-- we got in town from TX and got settled in our beds by midnight, and I had to be at work 7 short hours later.  I got 2 solid work days in, some major house cleaning (thanks for the help, Chad!), a food menu planned, groceries bought, and finally, all the packages got ribbon, just hours before Christmas eve struck... but I did get done!  (I also didn't get my Christmas cards in the mail until DECEMBER 23rd-- this is so un-Lauren that there aren't words.... I'm the person who has them planned by September, addressed by October, and mailed the day of Thanksgiving...)

My parents and youngest brother, Eli, arrived on Thursday.  They mainly came to see Max, but did talk to me some.  On Christmas Eve, we visited with my Dad's parents and went to our Christmas Eve service at church before scouring the county for dinner... only to be left with frozen pizza... that I burned!

We woke up Saturday for Christmas... Max was the last one awake and I'm assuming this is the last year that will happen until his age ends in "teen".  And we unwrapped presents-- you would've thoughts that we had 34857 people at our house- but no, we just have 2 very loved (spoiled) little boys.  The first two presents that Max opened were such a hit (a new toothbrush and a new football) that we could've stopped there, but he was so much fun! He unwrapped stuff, and got excited, and even went into toy over load! After presents, we had Christmas brunch, and then it was my nap time :)  By this time, it was snowing-- it was perfect napping weather.  And then, late afternoon, we headed up to Dawsonville to celebrate with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  And due to the safety of the swagger wagon, we made it back home in the midst of the Georgia blizzard.









But Sunday, I was exhausted-- less from the Christmas weekend and more from all the events/ work leading up to it!  But after a 3 hour nap, I turned into scrooge and took down all the Christmas decor-- I HAD to in order to make room for all the new toys clogging up our paths!  We even had to re-arrange furniture and create a "playroom".  But it works :)





And Chad and I got each other/ ourselves a great gift-- finally, a big screen/ flat whatever, HD 42 inch BUYRH 823837, blah blah TV!! Welcome to the 21st century Bowmans!!  You're only about 10 years late....



And while we were at it, we did get to celebrate the birth of a baby that changed the world and our lives forever- Christ the Lord!  Thank you God, for sending your Son!

A Heavy Heart

Do you ever just get overwhelmed with sadness?  I'm just heavy right now.  And none of the stories are mine- and none of them are touching me directly- but somehow, they all seem to affect my soul.

Leslie Evans:  A young lady my age, married a man with 3 children, 2 years after his wife/ their mother had died from Breast cancer.  Shortly after getting married, they discovered they were pregnant, WITH twins.  They were elated.  But then she went into labor early, and the twins were born at about 21 weeks, and did not live.  Shortly after giving birth, Leslie went into cardiac arrest.  She was down for 17 minutes before they could revive.  Leslie passed away October 7, 2010.

I have been following her blog, reading her story, watching videos of her life, and I cannot put into words the hurt in my chest.  I've been praying for this family I don't know, and asking God to bring them peace.  I don't understand why He allowed this man to lose 2 wives, and these children to lose 2 mom's.  I don't understand why her body couldn't carry the babies full term, and why the water had to break early.  I don't understand why these parents lost their daughter, and a brother lost his sister.  And that's not even touching on the friends that lost, too.  Honestly, I just can't make any sense of it.  And I don't know her.

(A blog about her:  http://lesliejoyevans.blogspot.com/)  (Very worth starting at the beginning)

Lila:  My co-worker, Cherie, has a 3 year old niece who went to the doctor on Monday for a cough, and was sent straight to Children's Healthcare for Leukemia.  This little girl will start chemo tomorrow that will last for the next 2 years.  And Lila's mom, who lost her own mother to cancer, has to watch her baby, lay in a bed, while chemicals fill her body in order to fight this nasty disease.  Meanwhile, Lila's father also has a type of inoperable brain cancer, that will eventually take his life, although he doesn't have any effects/ problems with it now.

I've got to say, I just don't understand this either.  As a mom, my insides scream upon hearing this story.  When Cherie told me about this yesterday, I cried, and as I type about it today, I still cry.  When it comes to Leukemia, she has the "good kind" but parents take their kids to the doctor for strep- not leukemia.  And I can not imagine how powerless and helpless it must feel, to be a parent, watching something like this.  Again, I don't understand.

Kate McRae:  I have been following this little girl's story for over a year.  Right before she was supposed to start kindergarden, Kate was diagnosed with brain cancer. They were able to remove a portion of the tumor, but due to location, couldn't get all of it.  This little girl has been going through new treatments to try to beat this malignant cancer.  Her parent's faith and prayers are edifying and real.  You can hear hurt in her mother's typing, yet total reliance on God.  Again, parents with no control, nothing they can do to change the situation, and at this point, they just wait to see if the treatment worked.  They go back periodically for MRI's and other tests hoping to hear that the tumor hasn't grown, but expecting/ dreading the worst.  All they can do is wait.

Her prayer blog:  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate

** These are by no means all the stories about stuff like this, I totally understand that-- these are just the ones on my heart and mind right now.

Stuff like this makes me just want to put my people in a bubble to protect them.  It makes me want to use my time to write them love notes, and kiss them all over.  I mean what if?

But chances are, this won't happen to us.  And I'm pretty sure that trying to explain to God that I was too crippled by what might've happened to actually discipline my kids or train them, or too worried about what could've happened to love my neighbors and serve my husband, and too consumed with fear to spread the Good News, wouldn't be a good conversation to have with the Creator of the Universe, and a God that willingly gave his perfect son's life for my sin, so that I could spend eternity with Him.

I am not one to question God, and this is not to say that understand everything.  I do NOT.  But that is because He is God and I am not- and I don't have to understand everything- I just have to trust him.  But if I'm honest, that's not always easy.  I know He's BIG and I know He's LOVE and I know He's FORGIVING.  So tonight, I just pray that have the courage to be the wife, mom, friend, co-worker, daughter, sister, etc that God has called me to be, and that I'll surrender control to the only ONE who deserves, God. Tonight I am casting other people's burdens on Him- to God be the glory, forever, amen!

A Pick Me Up

I've listened to this song a MILLION times today and I just thought I'd share:

A Day to Remember

Yesterday was a very sad day in our lives and the lives of our dear friends Katie and David.  Unfortunately, the pain won't just last a day either.

Katie and David are in our small group and have been our friends since before we were married.  We met at church and just clicked.  We love doing life with them.  Recently, Katie accepted a new job... at the same company I work for.  She has an incredible brain and work ethic, and she is type A and organized, so it has been just WONDERFUL working with her.  With the 2 of us working in sync, but on separate tasks, we manage to get 10 times more things done... and it's just the beginning.

Anyway, yesterday we were at work, and you could tell something was "off" with Katie.  I began asking her what was wrong and she explained that her Dad was missing and she was sending the police to his door.  (He lives about an hour and a half south of us.)  As the story kept unfolding, it didn't sound good, and honestly, we began thinking though the worst possible scenarios.  Our boss is a very wise and godly man and gave very clear advice on why Katie should go down there immediately and meet the police. I rode with her, and I'm grateful that Chad was in Atlanta working, so we picked him up on our way through the city and took him with us.

When we arrived, two officers were already there, and since Katie is the "next of kin"- with her permission, they could knock down the door and go in.  As soon as this happened, her worst fears were confirmed- Katie's dad, Dave Cannon, was dead.  He had been dead for many days.  Katie's mother met us there, so Katie, her mom, Chad and I just stood there and watched the story unfold and many lives be changed forever.  We know God is sovereign and that God is good, but this is tragic, nonetheless.

The house was considered a "crime scene" for several hours, just normal protocol.  It was eventually decided that he died of a heart attack or stroke, instantly, without any pain.  Although this siutation is horrifying, knowing he just went to be with God, without suffering, is very comforting.

(Katie's husband, David, was in the midst of taking finals, and was unreachable for several hours.  But he was able to get to Katie by yesterday afternoon.  Katie's younger sister, Amy, was at band camp.  Katie and her mom went to tell Amy what had happened after all of this.)

Once we were released from the scene, I drove Katie up the road to find a bathroom, before she began making plans about how to handle everything.  She looked over at me and said "You agreed to do life with me, not death- I'm really sorry you're having to be apart of this."  She then began the "business" side of being the executor of the estate and talking about the funeral.  She was really worried about making sure the service honored her dad.  I stopped her and pointed out that the service should celebrate his life, it should speak Truth into the hearts of Katie and her sister, and it should be a time to worship our Heavenly Father.  Instantly, her shoulders relaxed, and I think for a minute, she actually felt the peace of God.  Then it was like a floodgate had been opened and she started running through how loving her father was, how big his heart was, how much he cared for her and Amy, and it was a very sweet moment.

At the time, I was just in robot mode.  But when I got home last night and began processing the day, I began to analyze all of it a little more.  I had held my dear friend when she found out her father was dead, I cried and prayed with her in the 100 degrees temps of south Georgia as the story unfolded.  And I will continue to love on her and grieve with her over the next days, weeks, and months to come- what a blessing!

This is why God set up the church- this is why God set up community- we need it to live- when need it to stand with us.  And when you're in relationships with others, then it isn't hard to walk through death and tragedy, because it comes naturally, our of love.  Our small group consists of 3 other couples as well, who were praying as we drove to the house.  They continued praying when we received bad news, and they began organizing on the home front.  None of us feel what Katie feels- but we love Katie- and we are doing life AND death with her.  And my point is that because we are in "this" together-- whatever "this" may consist of-- that even when "this" gets hard, it's easy to support each other.

If you don't already have one, you need a support network.  You need a body of believers who are committed to speaking truth into your life, even when it's not what you want to hear, and are willing to walk with you, daily. God created it and called us to it because he knew we needed it

What a blessing to be able to walk with friends through this.

And lastly, please pray for Katie and her sister Amy, as they deal with the tasks and heartache associated with such a loss.  The have a very small family and need the body of Christ loving them, praying for them, and speaking Truth into them.  Thanks friends!

Family of 4 Needs Help

Yesterday, Max and I went to Wal-mart to get toothpaste. We weren't at the about to run out stage. We were at the had run out and if we didn't get some more, wouldn't be brushing our teeth again until we did stage. It was dyer.

Pulling into the parking lot, there was a back-up-- I couldn't see what was holding us up and I almost started honking, but something stopped me. Once I got to the stop sign, leading into the parking lot, there was a woman at the corner holding a sign that said "Family of 4 needs help". A car had stopped to ask questions, which caused the back up. So instead of asking the lady what she needed, I decided to try to find the driver of the car who had already asked. It was my half cop out.

But I have a child in a car seat, so once I got him out, I couldn't find the driver of the car that caused the back up.

So Max and I got our toothpaste and left the store. I drove back past the lady with her sign, and headed home.

I kept thinking about the parable of the sheep and the goats in Matthew 25

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Was this someone God wanted me to help?

But I kept driving.

Then I got to the exit, closest to the main road and there was a man with the same sign.

But I drove past him too.

'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me' ran through my mind again.

And again.

If I went back, would I be putting my baby in danger? Would I be putting myself in danger? This parking lot is busy, it is light outside, it's a busy intersection, I'd be fine, right? Not to mention that there wasn't anything in that passage about helping only in optimal conditions.

So I turned around and parked in front of the man. When I rolled my window down, he came up to the car and I said, "What do you all need?"

He replied, "a car".

Um, ok.... Then he explained that someone gave them a place to stay in Cartersville (North of the Wal-mart we're at) and he has a job in Kennesaw (South of the Wal-mart we're at) and he really wants to keep his job but his car died and really, they just need a car.

Well I don't have an extra car, and I didn't know what to say.

Me: Ok, well let me talk with my husband.... Um, are you all around here often?

Man: No, not really.

Me: Is that lady down at the other corner your wife?

Man: Yes, her name is Lori. (BIG smile on his face... I think he's in love with her :) )

Me: Um... ok.... well.....

Man: Will you pray for us?

Me: Absolutely!

Man: We're Ken and Lori. God Bless.

And that was it.

As I pulled away, I started analyzing- well if he had a job, why wasn't he at it? (It was about 5:15pm). And if they are a family of 4, and I only saw 2, where are the other 2? And how did they get to Woodstock?

And God shushed me. It wasn't mine to question or doubt- if people need help, they need help. And they asked for a car and prayer.

I didn't give him a car, and I'm not sure I'll ever see him/ them again, but if I do then I'll know God is really up to something. But in the meantime, will you say a little prayer for them? Because what's better than one prayer? Lots of prayers!

Living For A Cause

My heart hurts for this couple, yet it rejoices because of how BIG God is in their lives-- they've had a lot to deal with- death of a parent, cancer survivor, miscarriage, and then death of their 3 months old baby.  So what did they decide to do with all of this? Move to Haiti to help people, and make God known.  Why? Because they understand the hurt the people in Haiti, who suddenly lost loved ones, are experiencing.

The couple is Adam and Kara Cole.  I have never met them.  But I just want to get involved in what God is doing in their lives.

You must check out this story!

The story on Kara's blog:  http://letterstonoble.wordpress.com/2010/04/29/where-ive-been/

Here is a video of them explaining why they are going to Haiti: http://vimeo.com/12119933p>

And also their website and blog:  www.livingforacause.com and they are moving July 1st!

Aren't you humbled to hear such an incredible story of trust in God despite the circumstances?  So, will you pray?  Will you support them?

Beth Moore follow up

Due to a busy weekend, I'm just now getting around to my follow-up post.  But as suspected, it was awesome!  I've got to be honest that there wasn't anything that was "new" news, but Beth just has a way with communicating the Truth.  She can take God's word and say it just like you need to hear it, and all of sudden, your eyes are opened to things in a whole new light.

One of the things that struck me was something she said about guilt- she said that guilt is the most powerful tool that the enemy will use against us.  And that guilt breeds insecurity.  That's because, in order to be secure, you must know that someone unfailingly loves you.  That someone is God- but if you feel guilty for something in your past, to the degree that you can't believe that God loves you, in spite of you and has forgiven you- then you're missing his unfailing love and therefore you're missing out on being secure, as well.  And in that one insecurity, you give satan a foothold that can ruin your life.

This struck me for many reason- for friends dealing with turmoil, for myself processing through brokenness, but largely for my children.  I know of several people who feel guilt that there parents heaped on them- it's like their parents used "guilt" as a form of behavior manipulation- and it's stuck with them.  In adulthood, they've never felt guilt-free or accepted for that matter-- so they can't fathom that God can love them fully.

So, for me, as a mom, I've begun processing what this looks like.  How do I explain and teach our boys that God wants us to do the right thing and that it's important to do the right thing- but when we do NOT do the right thing, God still loves us?  I know our sin hurts God, but turning from our sin is reason for rejoicing.  So how do I explain that to a kid?  It's deep.  But I think it's important to live in Truth- 100% of the time, but also to know that when they abide in Christ, there is ALSO grace 100% of the time.  It isn't 50/50-- it's all truth (sin is wrong and hurtful) and all grace (but by the blood of Christ, you're forgiven and accepted) all the time.

Dear Lord, I pray that you use me to teach my kids that they are fully loved and accepted by you and that they begin to believe this and live this, at a young age.  I pray that they know your unfailing love before they are too old to over think it and bring guilt into it- and that they find freedom and security there.  And God, while I'm at- allow me to be in on those teachings so that I too, will live as your daughter, loved and treasured by you, the King of Kings- despite my many short comings!  Thank you for your amazing love.  Thank you for giving me a reason, the reason,  to be secure.

So Long Insecurity

I have 12 pounds to go and then I'll be at my wedding day weight.  And that is a great thing.  I look at my wedding pictures and think "What the heck happened to me?"  And it wasn't just the prego/ having a baby thing-- I married Chad and got a little too happy and a little too confident and started liking my time in the kitchen a little too much, and before I knew, I was carrying around about 10 extra lbs.  This wasn't a huge deal- I was a little on the "thinner" side of my weight/ height bracket before, according to outsiders, so really, it was fine.

But I was married for all of about 5 months when I started growing our little human (aka pregnancy) and I really took that job seriously!  I was ALL about natural child birth and everything any books that supported natural child birth said- which included eating a TON of protein.  Which isn't a bad thing necessarily- but I don't like the normal things people eat for protein, so I ate some (lots) really crazy (FATTENING) sugary (FATTENING) things, with TONS of calories.  Add in my over the top tiredness, leading to a lack of excercise, and before I reached my due date, I was Shamu.

[caption id="attachment_205" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="This is ON my due date. Can you say, "Moo"?"][/caption]

(I don't think this picture does justice to the ham hocks, previously known as my upper arms, and my chicken legs turned thunder thighs.)

Well anyway, I finally got my booty in gear after the first of the year and started eating better and exercising- which yes, you can do both of those things with a baby and while nursing, even though I tried to convince myself otherwise.  And the lbs started falling off... mid-March I got a little distracted and started adding some back on, and now, again, I'm making progress.

So, what the heck is my point?  Well believe it or not, it isn't the number on the scale.  My point is that somewhere along the way, I started finding my worth in that number on scale.  Or really, thinking I'd have more worth, with a smaller number on the scale.  Since becoming a Mom, my "insecurity" level has shot through the roof.  I worry WAY more about what people think about my parenting style, my new and unimproved "lack of" clothing style, my mommy gut, what my child can and can't do vs. other children his age, what my husband thinks about me and how I look, and on and on and on.  And why do anything of these things bring me worth? I have no idea.  But for some reason, I think my "value" lies among them.  (As I type this, I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but it's still very much true.)

I started reading Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity" a couple weeks ago.  I'm really enjoying it, although how much time I can spend reading without my eyes sinking shut has been radically reduced in the past 8 months. (Thank you motherhood!)  I will eventually finish the book.  But something startling happened in chapter 3 that really opened my eyes-- I won't go into the how it happened, but I will tell you that what I figured out is that I truly believe that I'll be "happier" and "better" and "secure" once my weight is back to it's old number.  I was telling my friend Anna about this (who is also reading the book), and she asked me if I was happier and more secure when I was skinny.  At that point, my eyes flew open because I've NEVER thought I was skinny.  So therefore, I've never been "happy" or "secure", according to my own rules.  Which, if this remains true, means I still won't be secure in my skin 12 lbs less from now.  Um, problem?  Yes, I think so!  Major insecurity?  A million times, YES!

But good news for all those in my life or effected by me and my "issues"-- less than a week from today, I will be aBeth Moore's conference for the WHOLE dang day.  Which also means, due to self-inflicted goals, that her book that I mentioned above will be completely finished!  And if there is one thing I know about Beth Moore, it the fact that her only source of Truth and therefore, self-worth come from The Bible.  And knowing what I know about my good friend Jesus, there in lies the end if my own personal lies about weight, and my freedom from this stupidity.

I'm really looking forward to this conference for many reasons.  First of all, it is a whole day to focus on me and God- much needed rival for my soul!  Secondly, I know I can't be a good mom or mentor for young girls if I talk the "Jesus made you and loves you just as you are and God thinks you're worth his son's life talk" if I can't walk that same darn walk. Thirdly, how draining is a wife that looks to her husband to supply her self-worth?  And lastly, I get to worship and learn and study with other women- how refreshing and encouraging!

More details to come...

Goodnight Love Girl

This weekend, Max and I went to see my parents and my grandparents in North Carolina.  It was a quick day trip, so we left Chad and Gabe behind.  Before I left, I hid love sticky notes all over the house in Chad places, like on the milk carton, on his computer screen, in his work clothes, etc.  He was at work when we left, so he came home to the little reminders.

Chad then decided to write notes back to me, and hide them in Lauren places.  When I got home, I started finding notes immediately.  The first couple were "normal" love notes-- like "I love you"... then I started to find some funny ones.  I opened a drawer and found one that said "sweet love".  Then I opened the cleaning closet and found one that said "Even when you makes us clean, we still love you".  I chuckled, thinking Chad just wanted some variety in his love notes.

Then on Saturday night, when I climbed into bed, I found a love note on my pillow.  This one made me laugh out loud.  So I had to quiz Chad on what exactly these notes meant and where they were coming from....

Apparently Gabe thought this whole hidden love note thing was great.  He helped Chad find the notes I had left him and gathered them up, then he insisted on writing some for me.  Come to find out, Gabe is a little cupid and should go work for Hallmark or the Valentine's Day heart company.  Chad did the actual writing on the love notes, but Gabe came up with the wording.

My last note of the day said "Goodnight love girl".  The next morning, Gabe came in and hung it on the mirror above my toothbrush.  And every time I've seen it since, I've smiled. Yes, because it's sweet, and yes, because he got to see me and Chad loving on each other even though were already married, and yes, because I'm a words person and I think it's hilarious and cute and funny, but mostly because it reminds me that he IS watching.  And Max will start watching really soon.  And everything we say and do is being etched in his brain and teaches him the way life is "supposed to be".  So, if we mess up, he's going to see that, and we're going to have to make sure that we tell him that we messed up, and let him see us "make it right". Ah, pressure!

Parenting is hard.  And for each kid we have, there are two more eyes watching us try to do it well... but it keeps us on our toes, and it gives me awesome names like "Love Girl". (Chad has continued to call me "Love Girl" several times a day.) My prayer is that Gabe can't help but ending up at the feet of Jesus after it's all said and done.  And hopefully God is able to use both me and Chad to get our boys there.  Gabe has already asked Jesus into his heart, and he will be baptized in May, but it's the daily walk and the day to day decisions that he needs Jesus the most for.  I pray that I continue to learn how to be more like Christ, so that as Gabe and Max continue to mimic me, they are being like Him as well.

Gabe is an incredible kid, and he's great entertainment too.  Let me know if you need any love notes or pet names for your significant other, I'll send Gabe your way.

(This is Gabe helping with yard work... and because he has been watching his Dad do stuff like this, he asked if he could borrow my ipod while he worked "to make working more fun".)

Germs Stink REALLY Bad

My 7th grade math teacher, who was phenomenal BTW, told us the first day of class that she hates the word/ phrase "this sucks" and to please use "stinks really bad" in her class. That stuck with me-- it gets the same point across YET it's not quite as crude. (I should also mention that my mother despises that word as well, so even as an adult, I feel like it is a "bad" word.) Hence the title of this blog post.

But I digress.

Last week, Gabe was sick. Like fever, didn't move much, just laid around-- and for a 6 year old, especially this 6 year old, that is a BIG deal. Chad stayed home with him the first day and when I got home from work, I noticed that Gabe wasn't being treated "properly" according to my rules of sickness. You see, in my house growing up, if you were sick, my mom made you a "bed" on the couch in front of the tv, with blankets all around you, your pillow from your bed, a drink with a straw, and control of the remote. But I decided that I didn't really need to bring it up since I was going to stay with sicky the next day, and I could "right" the wrong.

And then it happened, late Sunday night (around the time the Colts started losing) my head started pounding... my glands were noticeably swelling and I couldn't decide whether I was hot or cold.  One minute I was sweating, the next I was shivering... I was sick.  By Monday morning, I thought my head was going to explode.  Chad stayed home and took care of Max and I stayed in bed and slept.  Around noon, I decided I was hungry, and went downstairs to take my place on the couch, aka my sick bed.  But much to my dismay, Chad was sitting in the middle of the couch, and wanted me to "share" it with him.  It was time to explain the rules.  So I told him how you're supposed to act when someone is sick, and explained their rights.  I did a great job, demonstrating how one should be tucked in, and when it was appropriate to refill their glass and offer food.

And much to my dismay, he laughed, kept the remote in his hand AND stayed on the couch.  I pouted a little (he didn't care) but decided to save the fight for when I had more energy.

By Tuesday night, Max was a little "off"- and when I came home around 1:30 on Wednesday, he was going down hill fast.  Once Chad got home, we both hovered around our sick baby all night.  The poor baby honked when he breathed, his cry didn't sound like him, when he sneezed, we all need a bath.  Somehow his nose was stuffy and running at the same time, and HUGE coughs came out of his little body.  I decided that having my arms amputated without anesthesia would've been less painful that holding a sick baby that you can't help.  He had to sleep in his car seat, which we put in his crib, so that he could breathe.

(Now I know this is only a cold, and the first of many many sicknesses to come, but it's terrible and I hate it.)

So after all the sickness in the Bowman house, and therefore my sadness, I decided that this is one of my least favorite parts of parenting.  It's really hard not to be able to help- even after cleaning out the Rite Aid :( And regardless of the "rules" and all comfort measures, having sick kids sucks... I mean stinks REALLY bad.