Sunday, April 18, 2010

So Long Insecurity

I have 12 pounds to go and then I'll be at my wedding day weight.  And that is a great thing.  I look at my wedding pictures and think "What the heck happened to me?"  And it wasn't just the prego/ having a baby thing-- I married Chad and got a little too happy and a little too confident and started liking my time in the kitchen a little too much, and before I knew, I was carrying around about 10 extra lbs.  This wasn't a huge deal- I was a little on the "thinner" side of my weight/ height bracket before, according to outsiders, so really, it was fine.

But I was married for all of about 5 months when I started growing our little human (aka pregnancy) and I really took that job seriously!  I was ALL about natural child birth and everything any books that supported natural child birth said- which included eating a TON of protein.  Which isn't a bad thing necessarily- but I don't like the normal things people eat for protein, so I ate some (lots) really crazy (FATTENING) sugary (FATTENING) things, with TONS of calories.  Add in my over the top tiredness, leading to a lack of excercise, and before I reached my due date, I was Shamu.

[caption id="attachment_205" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="This is ON my due date. Can you say, "Moo"?"][/caption]

(I don't think this picture does justice to the ham hocks, previously known as my upper arms, and my chicken legs turned thunder thighs.)

Well anyway, I finally got my booty in gear after the first of the year and started eating better and exercising- which yes, you can do both of those things with a baby and while nursing, even though I tried to convince myself otherwise.  And the lbs started falling off... mid-March I got a little distracted and started adding some back on, and now, again, I'm making progress.

So, what the heck is my point?  Well believe it or not, it isn't the number on the scale.  My point is that somewhere along the way, I started finding my worth in that number on scale.  Or really, thinking I'd have more worth, with a smaller number on the scale.  Since becoming a Mom, my "insecurity" level has shot through the roof.  I worry WAY more about what people think about my parenting style, my new and unimproved "lack of" clothing style, my mommy gut, what my child can and can't do vs. other children his age, what my husband thinks about me and how I look, and on and on and on.  And why do anything of these things bring me worth? I have no idea.  But for some reason, I think my "value" lies among them.  (As I type this, I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but it's still very much true.)

I started reading Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity" a couple weeks ago.  I'm really enjoying it, although how much time I can spend reading without my eyes sinking shut has been radically reduced in the past 8 months. (Thank you motherhood!)  I will eventually finish the book.  But something startling happened in chapter 3 that really opened my eyes-- I won't go into the how it happened, but I will tell you that what I figured out is that I truly believe that I'll be "happier" and "better" and "secure" once my weight is back to it's old number.  I was telling my friend Anna about this (who is also reading the book), and she asked me if I was happier and more secure when I was skinny.  At that point, my eyes flew open because I've NEVER thought I was skinny.  So therefore, I've never been "happy" or "secure", according to my own rules.  Which, if this remains true, means I still won't be secure in my skin 12 lbs less from now.  Um, problem?  Yes, I think so!  Major insecurity?  A million times, YES!

But good news for all those in my life or effected by me and my "issues"-- less than a week from today, I will be aBeth Moore's conference for the WHOLE dang day.  Which also means, due to self-inflicted goals, that her book that I mentioned above will be completely finished!  And if there is one thing I know about Beth Moore, it the fact that her only source of Truth and therefore, self-worth come from The Bible.  And knowing what I know about my good friend Jesus, there in lies the end if my own personal lies about weight, and my freedom from this stupidity.

I'm really looking forward to this conference for many reasons.  First of all, it is a whole day to focus on me and God- much needed rival for my soul!  Secondly, I know I can't be a good mom or mentor for young girls if I talk the "Jesus made you and loves you just as you are and God thinks you're worth his son's life talk" if I can't walk that same darn walk. Thirdly, how draining is a wife that looks to her husband to supply her self-worth?  And lastly, I get to worship and learn and study with other women- how refreshing and encouraging!

More details to come...

1 comment:

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