The Ugly Cry

Oh my did I ever just cry the ugly cry! The little boys are in bed napping, Gabe is working on some school stuff and I'm sitting on my bed with my feet up for a few minutes as my midwife, among other people, have ordered. I usually read my bible study notes or blogs or Facebook until my eyes get really heavy and then I take a deep snooze. It only lasts about 20 minutes before some thought in my brains springs my whole body back to life, but it's the kind of snooze that is so deep and so needed, as a big ole pregnant lady, that I drool and often wake with heart burn, even though I'm not even in a real napping position.

But today is different. Mainly because I stumbled upon this blog post- http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/06/these-are-the-lines-of-a-story/
Read it. Cry with me. Because we all know it's true and we all want to feel that truth, if even only for a second.

In my current state- 35+ weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby in as many years, I can assure you I'm at one of the lowest points when it comes to my body-- I hate this part of pregnancy where everything seems to swell over night-- like all of a sudden my face is more round this morning and the extra pounds around my middle are starting to cause my legs to squish like elephant legs... it's not pretty. And I know there are some people that think the pregnant body is absolutely beautiful- I'm just not one of them... mainly since I became the pregnant one.

I used to dream about being pregnant and seriously stare and study pregnant women... this was a good 10 years ago when everything on my body was where it was supposed to be, and probably really tanned as well. You know, important stuff. Not. But at that age, when I saw pregnant women, fully clothes obviously, a quiet peace came over me- for they were charged with growing a human- inside of them. I couldn't think of anything better. Their round belly made me crave it for myself- and I never once saw a chubby face, swollen feet, or stretch marks. I just saw the beautiful woman with child. But now that it's me and it's been me, I see it all much differently. Growing children- beautiful, wonderful children I might add- is really hard on the self-esteem.

I wish I could just see them as my prize- my boys and my bun in the oven- and sometimes I do- but sometimes a backwards glance in the mirror as I climb into the shower or some extra time spent gazing at Easter pictures of myself from yesterday, and I just crumble. Oh the bumps and lumps and bigness. Please tell me the mirror and the camera is lying. But I know it's not.

But reading that article, all I could think about, in light of my own boys, is what good it would do for my heart and for them and their future to give them the power to see it as a good thing. Isn't that when your heart usually follows? What if Max knew from his toddler years that growing a baby was very hard for the mommy and really changed her body BUT that he had to power with his words to encourage and love her. Wouldn't his future wife just love that? What if Jack thought all the changes brought about by pregnancy was beautiful- like so much more beautiful than a taunt body, because it's the aftermath of growing people-- God's people! Don't you think he'd look at women differently if he got this and believed it? Gabe is older, but I think that means I can be more blunt in my teaching with him-- and his heart is so soft, I think he won't forget it this side of heaven. And then, how might it change me if I start speaking this truth to them? Will I be more likely to appreciate this gift of child bearing? Will I see my marks as trophies? I hope so. For I know this gift of motherhood is by far one of the greatest gifts on this earth. I wouldn't change it for anything.

Maddie, "my" dog

This post is mostly for laughs and to remind me of the truth when my boys try to suck me in… but before we go there, let’s start from the top.

When my brother was in elementary school, him and his good friend Cadie found puppies and rescued them… this included bringing them into our home and eventually they each adopted one. My brother named his Maddie and she has been apart of our family ever since. But from the beginning we have had a love/ hate relationship—I’ve hated her smell, fur, and licking, and so she had loved to rub on me, lick me, and drop her hair all over my life.

So fast forward a bit… Maddie grows up and lives in our home as our family pet but I manage to sneak off to college before long. Then my parents move to Virginia and back and then to Indiana and Maddie moves too… but after life in the condo in the city gets old, my Dad sends her to college with Eli. Maddie loved college, as did Eli, but you can only stretch a 4 year degree for so long, so they eventually made Eli and Maddie graduate and move away from Athens. This included moving into my house. That’s right, Maddie, the dog that has taunted me for years became part of my home. BUT get this… Eli moved out- into Atlanta with my parents so he can start law school- BUT that dog stayed here.

You read the right.

Maddie is now our dog. This is because their apartment doesn’t welcome dogs of her size, and my hubs loves dogs and couldn’t turn her away, and offered to take her in. Or that’s how it started… but for the last several months, I’ve been the one in charge of feeding her, getting her water, letting her in and out all day long on her every whim, and now as she gets old and has health problems, I have scrubbed her diarrhea and given her meds 3 times a day for 2 weeks which includes me buying donuts just for her to reward her for taking her pills like a good girl. So let me re-phrase that-- Maddie is now my dog. 

Seriously?

She has also woven her way into my heart enough that she spends a good part of her day inside my house on my rugs, usually at my feet, while I fold laundry or work on my computer.

I still hate dog hair-especially her kind, and I still hate licks, and yet this is all a true, on-going story. I’m beginning to feel duped….

But as she gets older, I keep hearing things said like “Pretty soon, we’ll need another dog…” and “Jack needs a dog” and “Dogs are great protection” and “all boys need to grow up with puppies” and “Kids who grow up around dogs are actually healthier” among other crazy statements. So let me say it here before I get duped again:

Lauren, your children and your husband are very cute and will do a great job convincing you of their need for a dog BUT don’t do it. Don’t give in. It will become your dog. They will not take care of it, because “mom will do it.” It will be like another child, there will be hair and licking and chores, and it’s just not a responsibility you want to take on. Don’t you dare fall for it Lauren. No dogs. NO DOGS! Sincerely, Lauren

Passing Gas and Shaving-- and how they're related

This may be TMI for you or you may think something is seriously wrong with me, just from the title of this post-- but just go with me on this for a few minutes...

Ok so farting, passing gas, or "pooter tooters" as Max would say, I'm not a fan of- they actually really bother me. Before you even say it, yes I am aware that everyone does it and it's natural, but not everyone appreciates it or thinks it funny. So I really don't want this to be a method for humor around our house. And I'm not talking about a "no fart zone" because then we would surely all swell up like balloons until we burst! I'm just meaning that I don't want it to forced out, waved in other people's directions, done on anyone's head, laughed about, done to the tune of the alphabet, praised, or a source of pride. Make sense?

Well anyway, I've discussed this with Chad many a times, because I can say it and preach it a million times, but if the father doesn't get on board, it's not going to happen.

So far, he's not with me. Now he's not against me- but he's just not with me.

He still thinks they're funny, to an extent. And certain foods causes "them" to flow like the air he breathes.

So I started in on him, "Remember when we were dating- you never farted!" I went on trying to prove that his "I can't help it" statement wasn't true- because clearly he did help it for months and months and months. He told me that he didn't want to gross me out or turn me off then, and now he feels comfortable around me. So of course I question why he thinks bringing "locker room" behavior home is attractive to me now, after marriage. I've been trying every route possible to explain that while "natural" bathroom behavior is absolutely natural, that it doesn't have to happen all the time, that others shouldn't be able to hear it, and announcing what you must go do isn't really necessary. Really, "I have to go to the restroom, be back in a few minutes" gets the point across just fine!

And then I was laying in bed the other night when Chad put his feet on my legs and commented on my shaving (or lack there of) and it HIT me: his farting is a sign of love and of acceptance.

Let me explain.

When Chad and I were dating, I would've NEVER EVER not shaved if there was a possibility of wearing shorts, a dress, a skirt or a bathing suit around him.  If there was a chance that he would come in contact with my legs, they were smooth as silk. Yet, now that I sleep with him every night- which increased the chances of him touching my legs daily by about 200%, I shave about once a week.

(Yep, I said it publicly. Me, the girl who used to shave everyday now shaves once a week. And unfortunately, I can't say that it's because my hair doesn't grow as fast. Stupid prenatal vitamins.)

Why do I do this? Because he loves me, he's stuck with me for life, and I know he accepts me (and my hairy legs). It's like his farting-- it's not against me, it's just that he's comfortable around me-- leaking odoriferous gases and all!

But I've just got to ask-- when did we get so backwards?? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Now that I do actually sleep with him nightly, shouldn't I be shaving more? And shouldn't he care MORE now about potentially grossing me out? I'm pretty sure the devil is to blame for this. Farting must be one of the devils many schemes to conjure up bad (stinky) feelings in a marriage.

Farting is to marriage as hairy legs are to love and devotion

And that folks, is my epiphany for the day. And this is after 3.5 years of marriage... just imagine what year 10 will bring. You're welcome.

The Vigilant Investor

Shortly after I got married, I began working at Investor's Watchdog for Pat Huddleston. Pat and his family went to my church and he was a small group leader with the youth-- which is how I originally met him. He owns his own law firm, Huddleston Law Firm, and also founded Investor's Watchdog out of a passion for protecting investors of all shapes and sizes. He hired me as the Director of Research and Development and since I've worked here, I have done PR, marketing, organizing, product development, writing, social media, receivership work, research, investigating, reporting, and any other crazy idea we came up with! But my biggest, most time consuming, most anticipated project has been The Vigilant Investor.


It started years ago when Pat began penning this book. He handed me a book on finding a book agent and assigned me that task. After sending many (MANY) query letters, we eventually found the perfect agent, Wendy Keller, and once Pat signed with her, she sent us down the road for a successful book campaign. First I edited and re-edited Pat's book proposal, I've researched thousands of ways to market a book and many "how-to" articles. Then I edited and re-edited each chapter as he wrote the manuscript. Once he had a finished product, Keller Media worked to get us a publisher and before long, Pat had signed with Amacom. From there, while Pat worked with Amacom's editor to get each page in "final" form, I along with all his staff, began working fervently to market the book. We came up with every category of person who would benefit from the book and planned ways to reach them. We built followings, booked speaking gigs and radio interview, and did everything we could to spread the word. I also went through each chapter, sentence by sentence, labeling each fact in the book, and then worked to prove each fact. With the help of the rest of the staff at Huddleston Law Firm and Investor's Watchdog, Pat turned in his final book manuscript in February.

At that point, all focus went to marketing and marketing alone. And not the cheesy "must sell the book for the sake of selling a book" marketing, but instead, "must sell this book to protect others" marketing. Pat is passionate about his work- and he is passionate about the help this book can offer to anyone who reads it. Whether your parents are close to retiring, have retired, or eventually will retire or if you ever plan to retire, then the book is a must read. Pat's experience and Pat's knowledge can save you, your wallet, and your nest egg from a heap of trouble!

So now, one year, and nine months after sending that first batch of query letters, the anticipation is over: THE BOOK IS NOW AVAILABLE!

For more information on the book, visit the website: http://thevigilantinvestor.com/
To order your copy, check out Amazon or Barnes and Noble

DotMom Event

Way back when I was still growing Jack, a blog I read linked to Vicki Courtney's blog. I immediately loved her and started to google her. That's when I found out that she'd be speaking in Birmingham, just a quick 2ish hours from Atlanta, at the DotMom event. After perusing the other speakers, the break out sessions, and everything that would happen at the conference, I knew I had to go. I sent the email to a couple of my mom friends and immediately heard back from Danielle. We both asked our husbands to get us a ticket to the conference for Mother's Day and that was that.

Initially, I asked my mom if she would fly down and ride with me to the conference and keep Jack in the room- but when he came into the world 5 weeks early and started sleeping like a champ, I decided that he would be happier at home, and it would be easier on my mom and Max too. So with the oodles of pumped milk in the freezer, I left the boys with my mom and Eli, their manny. (Chad was here too, but he busied himself with golf, work meetings, and other man stuff.) Honestly, it about ripped my heart out to leave my 4 month old overnight, I had major anxiety for several days leading up to my actual departure, but it was the BEST thing I could've done for my mom-hood and my boys.

The conference was FABULOUS- God was at work encouraging moms, rebuilding moms, strengthening moms, and pointing moms back to him. Every breakout that I went to was amazing, the main session speakers spoke straight to my heart, and I was reminded over and over again by moms that were either doing it or had done it, that even in the midst of baby/ toddler land, there was time for God- it just wouldn't look like it did when I was single/ in college/ kidless. And for 36 whole hours, I was there for me- for my relationship with God, and my important job of being a mom. It was exactly what my soul needed!

I chose a breakout on being a step mom, a breakout on teaching my kids The Word, a breakout on conversations you must have with your son (since I have 3 of them!), and a breakout on "vintage values" in the modern society. I came home with tons of books, I came home with many new tricks up my sleeve, I came home more than ready to be an amazing mom, and I came home with a hunger for God's word. I'm telling you, this was worth all the money in the world, but the ticket was only $69!!

We ended up riding to the conference 7 deep in a Nissan minivan! (Only at a mom conference would the most popular car be a minivan... I can't tell you how many times minivan's were mentioned from the stage!) That included Danielle, our friend Heather, our pastor's wife Kristy, and then 3 other lovely ladies I didn't know until the trip- but God bonded us, of course- He always does that! One wonderful lady even accepted Christ as her Savior for the first time, PRAISE THE LORD. And now I have new mom friends.

SO I'll end by saying that this probably isn't the last you hear of this- especially as I dig into the many books I bought and type up my notes to share with the others (we divided and conquered since there were so many great breakouts) BUT until then, if you're a mom, or a grandmother, this conference is for you AND it's happening again, next year, same time, same place. Mark it on your calendar now, tell me you want to go, and we'll begin making plans. You can buy your ticket now, too, for the early bird discount, click here. And if you're afraid of going because you'll have a baby, make a plan- bring a the baby and sitter, or plan ahead to leave you baby and bring your pump- been there, done that, TOTALLY worth it!

Confessions Of A Tired Mom

Ok, this blog is going to be straight from the heart/ gut- and it might be a little too truthful. But I'm not one for hiding what I'm feeling or thinking so here I go:

I LOVE being a mom- it's the best thing ever and I hope God blesses us with another bambino to love and cherish eventually (after Jack is at least 2!) and I love my kids something fierce- there are not words. BUT I AM TIRED, and I'm struggling with feeling really selfish right now. Like all I can think about is sleeping- that would seriously be amazing- to go to sleep when I wanted, without having to bathe, feed, and put little people in bed. AND without having to pump. (Sidenote: I despise pumping. But my freezer would make you think otherwise. But pumping equals freedom and friend nights and date nights, among other things...) AND the best part of all? Waking up when I wanted to- like when my eyes and my body were ready. But even if someone wonderful and really trustworthy like my mom took my kids away for a night or two, I don't think I'd sleep through the night anyway- I'd be too antsy and I'm so trained to NOT sleep through the night, that I honestly think it would take practice.

I'm also dreaming about reading a book. And I don't mean reading scheduled around nap time or while I'm feeding a baby- I mean, cuddled up on the couch while it's a little chilly, wearing pj's, with a cup of tea reading. Like cover to cover in a day reading. I used to do that, back in the day.

Last Saturday, while driving my MINIVAN with my husband who we picked up from work so he could go to lunch with us, and our 3 (THREE!) boys who were all making noise, I turned to Chad and said "Sometimes I still wish I was still in college." And I meant it in regards to the UGA game- I love football and game days, especially in Athens, but once I said it, I kept thinking about it. I think because there was peace and quiet then and it was all about me: if I was hungry, I ate, if I was tired, I slept, if I wanted to hang out with friends, I just did, without any planning or finding a sitter.

My days are consumed with preparation for whatever is coming next. And I usually do it while holding an adorable chubby man, and finagling a very smart, very busy toddler, who loves hanging on my leg and doing whatever I'm doing. And try as I may, I can never make it to bed until at least 2 hours after Max goes to bed- it takes that long every night to get ready for the next day, sheesh- which includes pumping, my nemesis as I mentioned above. I'm also amazed at how quickly personal hygiene has plummeted on my priority list.

And all of this isn't even mentioning all the thinking about my mom job: is Max learning enough? Is Jack eating enough? Is Gabe making good choices at school? I feel like I'm researching something everyday to make sure I have all the facts- when to start solids, should we get the flu shot, the best way to potty train, what the bible says about this and that.

And then I stumble across this and summed it all up for me and I pinned it on my pinterest but for now, a screenshot:

Amen!

Get away from me, Me!

Just writing...

Recently me has been getting in the way a lot. Me keeps getting in my head about food- something looks really yummy but isn't on the diet, so I stuff it in my mouth like a small child who might get caught. But I'm adult. And I inflicted these diet rules and regulations upon myself. Then I chastise me for being so lame and having no self-control. Aren't the decreasing numbers on the scale enough, I ask myself?

Me causes a scene in the evenings too- am I going to push earlier bedtime or is the summer bedtime still ok? And will the baby sleep in his crib or in my room? I decide that tonight is sleep boot camp and I won't feed him until the morning. I buckle down, ready to get up 50 times and sooth Jack back to sleep without feeding until morning's light. But then me gets in the way, reminding me how tired I am and if me would just feed him then me would get more sleep.

Me also causes me to think about me and look out for me and focus on me. Me leads to whining too and comparing. Me definitely causes a shortage of patience and even some inner temper tantrums. And me is most certainly selfish. Focusing on the wrong things.

All of a sudden, me is winning a lot. Is it a lack of discipline?

And you know, when there's this much me going on, there isn't enough room for you.

I think Satan must've found my weak spot: me.

It's time for me to die.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above youselves. Phil 2:3



I'm linking this post over at The Extraordinary Ordinary for the first "Just Write" party. Go visit. And write!

Making It Public

So today starts my lose 20 pounds diet.  Really, according to the scale, it's the lose 19 lbs diet/ life change to get to my goal weight, but if I aim for 20, then I'll be exceeding my expectations- and I always like being an over-acheiver, especially when it comes to a diet :)

Basically I'm still carrying a lot of unnecessary weight from having babies- and I didn't really get rid of it after Max, so most of it has just been a part of my life for a while, but I'm over it. To never like how your clothes fit really isn't cool.  Plus I have GREAT jeans from my pre-baby days and I need to wear them again!

20 pounds gets me back to my wedding weight plus 5 pounds- and don't tell me that's crazy, because I didn't lose any weight when we were getting married- I was in shape and happy and I worked out so I could eat what I wanted- you know, like cheese dip. So that number, plus 5 pounds is doable and healthy. And I don't need any of that you look great, you don't have 20 pounds to lose, 20 pounds is too much gunk either-- no matter how loving because I might just listen to you and that would be bad, because then I still wouldn't be wearing said-jeans I mentioned above! (And I'd still be whining about my baby bump, that's still bumpy post-baby.)

And when all this is said and done, there will be some shopping... but don't tell Chad, he doesn't know that part yet, but I'm hoping it coincides with my birthday if that helps...

So because of nursing I can't cut calories- but I can alter if the calories are good calories or not! And I figure if I put it on my blog, then lots of people are watching! And I'll post my progress from time to time- if the progress is good of course.

So here is where I'm starting:

Weight loss plan:

Effective 9/6/11

Goal: Lose 20 pounds

The plan:

Couch to 5K- 3 times a week on my non-work days before Chad leaves in the morning without any boys- aka workout time and alone time- 2 in 1!

Walking leisurely with the boys on other days, when it fits, mainly because regardless of the pace, a double stroller gets the heart rate up and the fresh air makes for a happy Max and Jack

I'm going to add in a couple days of the 30 Day Shred after about a month, but too much sudden exercise isn't good for my milk either.

Avoid sugar for the first month (not like in fruit sugar, but like in donuts, cake, and ice cream sugar)

Only drink water (I'm thinking I'll be cool with a cup of coffee from time to time, with no sugar in it of course, and I already always drink decaf, so it'll be fine-ish)

3 small meals, 2 small snacks per day-- cut down on quantity of food at meal time and cut off food at 7pm.

Keep a food journal, just so I realize what's going in... and this might just be in my planner because that's something I always have with me, but my friend Leah who has a very healthy lifestyle told me about the website Fatsecret and I have signed up for that as well.