Thursday, October 13, 2011

Passing Gas and Shaving-- and how they're related

This may be TMI for you or you may think something is seriously wrong with me, just from the title of this post-- but just go with me on this for a few minutes...

Ok so farting, passing gas, or "pooter tooters" as Max would say, I'm not a fan of- they actually really bother me. Before you even say it, yes I am aware that everyone does it and it's natural, but not everyone appreciates it or thinks it funny. So I really don't want this to be a method for humor around our house. And I'm not talking about a "no fart zone" because then we would surely all swell up like balloons until we burst! I'm just meaning that I don't want it to forced out, waved in other people's directions, done on anyone's head, laughed about, done to the tune of the alphabet, praised, or a source of pride. Make sense?

Well anyway, I've discussed this with Chad many a times, because I can say it and preach it a million times, but if the father doesn't get on board, it's not going to happen.

So far, he's not with me. Now he's not against me- but he's just not with me.
He still thinks they're funny, to an extent. And certain foods causes "them" to flow like the air he breathes.

So I started in on him, "Remember when we were dating- you never farted!" I went on trying to prove that his "I can't help it" statement wasn't true- because clearly he did help it for months and months and months. He told me that he didn't want to gross me out or turn me off then, and now he feels comfortable around me. So of course I question why he thinks bringing "locker room" behavior home is attractive to me now, after marriage. I've been trying every route possible to explain that while "natural" bathroom behavior is absolutely natural, that it doesn't have to happen all the time, that others shouldn't be able to hear it, and announcing what you must go do isn't really necessary. Really, "I have to go to the restroom, be back in a few minutes" gets the point across just fine!

And then I was laying in bed the other night when Chad put his feet on my legs and commented on my shaving (or lack there of) and it HIT me: his farting is a sign of love and of acceptance.

Let me explain.

When Chad and I were dating, I would've NEVER EVER not shaved if there was a possibility of wearing shorts, a dress, a skirt or a bathing suit around him.  If there was a chance that he would come in contact with my legs, they were smooth as silk. Yet, now that I sleep with him every night- which increased the chances of him touching my legs daily by about 200%, I shave about once a week.

(Yep, I said it publicly. Me, the girl who used to shave everyday now shaves once a week. And unfortunately, I can't say that it's because my hair doesn't grow as fast. Stupid prenatal vitamins.)

Why do I do this? Because he loves me, he's stuck with me for life, and I know he accepts me (and my hairy legs). It's like his farting-- it's not against me, it's just that he's comfortable around me-- leaking odoriferous gases and all!

But I've just got to ask-- when did we get so backwards?? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Now that I do actually sleep with him nightly, shouldn't I be shaving more? And shouldn't he care MORE now about potentially grossing me out? I'm pretty sure the devil is to blame for this. Farting must be one of the devils many schemes to conjure up bad (stinky) feelings in a marriage.

Farting is to marriage as hairy legs are to love and devotion

And that folks, is my epiphany for the day. And this is after 3.5 years of marriage... just imagine what year 10 will bring. You're welcome.

1 comment:

  1. I needed that, Lauren! Thank you! :) You ALWAYS have a way of bringing me back to reality - thank you for your input, your insight, your clarity and the humorous way you put things so simply!!!!