Thursday, April 8, 2010

Irrational Fear

Yesterday, I drove in the car ALL day.  Chad flew home early (on Sunday) so that he could work and so it was just me and the boys... for over 9 hours in a car.  It was a LONG day, but we made it!  When we pulled in the driveway, Chad was out in the yard talking to our neighbors.  These are the neighbors that know all the "news" on the street.  They told us about burglaries, what people do, who lives where, how our yard used to look back in the days, etc...  I could only imagine what great information she was sharing with him now!

Once I got the car parked, the boys were more than ready to see their Daddy, and I started unloading.  Before I knew it, we were feeding kids, doing laundry, getting the boys bathed and to bed, then re-packing, because Chad and Gabe were heading out for a fishing trip first thing in the morning.  Before I knew it, I was crashing into bed when I remembered about the neighbor with the news and asked Chad what she had to say.

My husband says, "Oh nothing"

Ok, like any good wife, I didn't buy it.  So I pushed.  And pushed.  Until he told me: When our yard guy was cutting the grass, he ran over not one but two S-N-A-K-E-S.  I can't even say that word.  I am absolutely over the top petrified of those things.  I can't begin to rationalize or even explain the extent of this fear.  I once heard about one swimming up in the toilet  and biting someone on the booty while they went to the restroom, and I'll never go to the bathroom, ever, without turning on the light.  Even when I was pregnant and had to go a million times a night, I would turn on the light, and check the toilet before I went.  I can't watch tv if "they" are on there- not even cartoons- I won't even touch a plastic toy that is one and or a even a stuffed animal for that matter.  And this isn't like one of those funny fears that is good to use against a person, all jokey jokey.  I am over the top, freeze, faint, cry, yell and never get over it, scared of "them".

So, back to the news, about the things in our yard-- I tried to play it cool- and act nonchalant- but the keyword there is act.  I didn't sleep all night last night, because I was thinking about it.  As I sit here on the couch typing this, I want to pick my feet of the ground of my living room out of fear that one might be under the couch.  I will NEVER go in my back yard, I was scared to death as I carried Max down the driveway to check the mail, I'm afraid of our garage, and this is no exageration-- when I climbed in the car today (both times) I opened the door really slowly in case they had crawled up in the car.  Do you want to know the best part about this story?  I'm driving Chad's MONDO HUGE truck, because he took my on his fishing trip-- and like an s-word could crawl up in this:

So then, naturally, I started pondering "fear" and since having my Max, fear has taken over my life in a way that I can't comprehend.  I worry about really crazy over the top things.  I think through things that really shouldn't even be thought through.  And it may have started with the s-word thing.  Who knows.  When I was little, like maybe 5 years old, we were at Frank Lisk Park in North Carolina where I grew up.  It was a church pot luck picnic at the park, and the park ranger found a little green "thing" and started letting the kids hold it.  Nicole Shoemaker, a girl 2 years older than me, held it.  And the "thing" bit her-- and hung on her lip.  It might've only been for .02 seconds, but I can still see it in my head today.  And so I live in fear of those "things".

So because of something that happened over 20 years ago, I'm not sleeping.  This is nutty.  And I know it.  But I can't do anything about it.  And when it's time to begin addressing fear with Max, I'm going to be a pot calling the kettle black.  It's already started with Gabe-- Chad tries to walk him through his crazy fear of bugs- like any bugs- even nice, friendly bugs- and I try to help and have a good parenting moment- but the plank in my eye blocks me from having a good conversation with Gabe about the speck in his.  This is a parenting lesson I haven't quite learned.  But I'm working on it.  So tonight, I'm going to sleep. And tomorrow, I'll think about walking through the garage as a normal person. Maybe.  Dear God, please teach me to be a brave and courageous Mommy.

The post was heavy and scary.  So here are pictures of Max to brighten my mood :)

Oh those bring some happy!

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