Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I'm Still NOT Ready!

So our sweet baby Jack is already 10 days old-- working on 11!  He is a doll-- only cries when he's cold, and just loves being cuddled. And he's beautiful.  I am beginning to realize that this did happen- it is real life that I had a baby 5 weeks early- and now I am living my new normal.  But I just can't get over the fact that I wasn't ready.

Multiple times a day, something happens that reminds me that I hadn't planned for this.  And since I take the word "planner" to the extreme, this is a really big deal.  It almost causes me anxiety to think about what happened and the chaos it could've caused, even though it already happened and we all lived to tell about it, which should prove to you my level of over the top crazy planning-ness. There are things around my house that remind me that I wasn't ready-- and my car is a disaster- I really wanted it deep cleaned before a new baby rode around in it.  I had a few last Max and Mommy things I wanted to do together- my hospital bag never got packed- and I had to go buy Jack's baby book after he arrived... he lost major sleep over this.

Now there are upsides to this- don't get me wrong.  For instance I can lay Max down in his crib, pick up his toys, and sing "Jesus Loves Me" all without running out of breath or having to deal with a big huge belly.  I also already get to hold Jack-- and smell him- oh my, heaven!  And I never had to go to the doctor every week just for them to see me for .45 seconds, listen to Jack's heart, and tell me they'd see me next week.

But even though he's here, and we're all fine, and it's much LESS chaotic then I expected-- and even less chaotic then when I brought home baby #1, I can't help but feeling "not ready".  I just got off the phone with the spa changing my prenatal massage that was set up for this Sunday- when I should be 37 weeks pregnant- to a regular massage because he came 5 weeks early.  The guy on the phone literally laughed and said, "wow, I haven't heard that one before!".  I wasn't ready for my mom to leave either.  She made everything so easy- I didn't even have to think about if I was thirsty, she just brought me water.   She took care of me and all my boys (including Chad who sighed when she left saying "I guess we'll have to figure out our own food now").  I wasn't ready for the influx of laundry or the feeding schedule- which is dramatically more intense with a little baby who isn't allowed to sleep through feedings- even at night.

Don't get me wrong- I knew it was coming- I signed up for this- I really really wanted baby Jack- but I never got big and huge and miserable which leads to being ready.  I never got ready.  I'm still not ready!

But despite my best laid plans and the day I wanted Jack to show up, he's here.  And my heart, it was ready.  It took to loving him in about .0001 seconds.  And I don't kiss Max any less than I did before- but now I kiss Jack equally as much- I think I may need some chap stick.  And last night, when Jack got his first stomach ache that kept him awake for hours in the middle of the night, and Max simultaneously had a rough night because of some new teeth coming, I was completely ready to sit on the couch in the dark, with a boy in each arm, and snuggle.  And I'm not any more tired than I have been?!  And yesterday, I took both boys to my office to meet my co-workers, alone-- that's right-- we were all dressed and fed and clean and happy, at the same time, without even a squawk!

So what's the moral of this story?  Welp, God was ready and He made sure I was ready too-- just on His terms, not my own.  And I realize once again just how in control I am.......... not at all! 



  1. amazing! truly amazing! you did it girl! so proud of you

  2. Ummm... can you please help me say the same thing you are saying here? Every day I drive to Northiside I think about how I'm not ready! :)

  3. YAY!! Jack loves the moses basket, too!!! Can't wait to meet him!!