Once Chad and I decided we were ready for another baby, I was all in. Like wanting to skip the getting pregnant and whole pregnancy- I was just ready to hold and care for the little one. I started struggling immediately with fear-- fear of infertility or that God's plan for our family didn't match mine-- and I was having a hard time just letting go and letting God be in control- which is totally normal for me. I've felt the exact same way each time we've hoped and prayed for a baby.
The first month of trying was kind of half hearted, because I wasn't totally sure I wanted to be pregnant at the beach although I loved the idea of an April baby. (That is if baby took after Max and actually came the month he/she was due.) But the next month, we were all in. And when I took the pregnancy test I was so sad to read the negative results. I was so disappointed-- to a degree I haven't felt in a long time. Of course Satan capitalized on that-- every bad, fearful, worrisome thought rushed in-- it took over my thoughts. I started praying over and over that I wanted God's kingdom not mine and worked to align my will with His. God sure does answer prayers like that because by the end of the day, I was feeling a lot better and within a couple days, I was ok and ready for the days and months ahead-- maybe it would take a long while, maybe we would adopt, maybe foster some children- who knows- but I was just trying to walk it out, let go of fear, and not have to know "why".
Days and days passed and still no actual proof that I wasn't pregnant, if you know what I mean. I was late- really late- but I was so sure I wasn't pregnant, especially after working through that, that I was very reluctant to take another test. But as soon as I did, it was positive immediately.
Chad isn't a zero to 60 freaker-outer like me, so really, the whole journey and the culmination of the positive test was all between me, my head, and my God.
I bawled. Sobbed. And was even more excited than I had been with Max and Jack-- I think because after being a mom, I just knew what was ahead and how wonderful it is. Chad was gone so I texted him a picture. He was shocked because I had convinced him I wasn't pregnant and he doesn't really keep up with dates and such.... At all!
Within a few minutes, Max came and crawled into bed with me-- my room was still dark and he snuggled into my arms, and I just weeped with joy. I just love being a mom, I love their little minds, and arms, and hugs. I love their phrases and their eyes and oh how I love their laughs.
Being parents and raising children is hard! It's a huge responsibility, but the joy and blessing that comes with it is so immense. Being a mom is what I was created to do-- right now, it's exactly where I'm supposed to be-- it's exactly what God has for me. And I can't not wait to welcome our newest member into our family.
Dearest baby- for you I have prayed and God filled my womb with you-- I am so thankful for your life! Praise God from whom all blessing flow!
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