Desperation

Sometimes, it's the little things that reminds me of the HUGE-ness of being a mom.  The other night, during Max's bath, him and Gabe managed to soak the ENTIRE bathroom.  Honestly, this is normal, and they always have so much fun playing in there, that we really don't discourage it.  Gabe isn't in the bath with Max, but he might as well be!  By the time the water is draining, Gabe's clothes are soaked and his glasses are dripping.

That night while Chad was getting Max out of the tub, I was helping Gabe mop up the floor with his bath towel.  Then I had him put both his and Max's towel in the laundry.  We then shuffled both of them into pj's, got their teeth brushed and sent them off to bed.  Before I headed downstairs, I stopped by the bathroom for a potty break (thanks pregnancy for making this my #1 pass time). I looked over and noticed both of the empty hooks so I got out fresh towels for the boys.  And it hit me.  If I didn't get a towel out for Max, he would  never get one.  If I didn't bathe him, he would never be clean.  If I didn't change his diaper, he would never get a new, fresh diaper.  Max's depth of dependence on me overtook me in that moment.  Although this wasn't the first time I had realized this truth, I was paralyzed by the bigness of this yet again.

Gabe is a slightly different story.  I honestly think that if he were left to fend for himself, he would take showers and brush his teeth.  Chad and I were just noticing the other night how Gabe has NEVER slept through his 6:30am alarm- he doesn't even lay there for a few minutes... it goes off, he hits it, and jumps out of bed, making his way straight to the shower.  This eight year old could take care of himself.  But he is dependent on us for meals, a roof over his head, and safety... for some reason, he can't remember to look both ways before he crosses a street without a reminder!  He is also dependent on us emotionally.  He needs to talk and he needs someone to listen and respond- Gabe doesn't do alone time for more than an hour- and that's only when I "make" him go read for an hour.

God blessed us with these boys- and really there are times when I just think my skin is going to pop open because of all the love in my chest.  But He also made them dependent on me- needing me- learning from me- growing because of me. How humbling.  How huge.  The magnitude of the parenting role is so much that these words I'm fumbling and bumbling around for- I have the power to make or break these kids.  What a responsibility.  Thank goodness there is a big God leading the way.  I pray I'm attentive to His leading- I pray for Christ in me.

The other day, while praying in a small group, my friend Courtney prayed "God, despite all these blessings, we are desperate for you".  That statement has wrecked me- in a good way- this week.  Despite all these blessings, despite me being wired to be a mom, despite the joy I find in mothering, despite the gratitude and gratefulness Chad and I have for these boys-- we need God.  We are nothing, and can do nothing, a part from him.